Is it just laziness?

I have read many blogs, articles and websites that offer different therapies for stutterers/stammerers, but if you're like me, you really can't be bothered with any of them. It's not that I don't think they won't work, I just don't believe that the results will justify the work involved. In fact, I get tired just thinking about all of the work that will likely go in to a program whose results will be hard to measure or even detect. Am I just being cynical? Perhaps. Am I merely lazy? Probably a little.

I was in speech therapy for many years as a child and the results were frustrating. Many would argue that the therapies provided in the late 70's to mid 80's might have been unsuccessful, largely because of the outdated methods (talking with a metronome, etc), but I've read some articles recently and the methods don't seem all that updated, cutting edge or innovative. One recent therapist outlined a method of "canceling" wherein the stutterer is to cancel out secondary characteristics of a block that he or she just had...and then speak the word again. For example, if you squint your eyes during a block when attempting to speak the word "stutter"...you should then not squint your eyes and then attempt the word again.

Since I have no idea of the success or failure rate of this method, and since implementing this method into my daily work life would be grossly impractical, I can't really see the value of it. However, maybe it would be useful to others.

If you have methods or therapies that have proven to be successful in your life, I'd love to hear about them.

No Rhyme. No Reason.

I've been looking back through the comments on my blog and feel terrible that so many questions to me have gone unanswered. Time just does not permit me to spend the needed time to address every comment or question, so I do apologize.

I do want to address one question that was asked: Is there a predictable pattern that allows me to know when I will or won't be fluent? Simple answer: No.

If you watch my YouTube videos, you might be tempted to think, "Hey, this guy is pretty fluent! He goes entire paragraphs without stuttering!" And you would be justified in saying so. That's because there are controlled environments where I can enjoy extended periods of fluency. Mostly this happens when I turn on my camera and have a script and use my affected voice. Many are aware that when stutterers talk in an affected voice or with an accent, stuttering all but disappears. It doesn't really work as a therapy method, however, because the speaker is then forced to always focus on the manner of speech rather than on what's being said. For this reason, it's difficult to maintain and the stutterer will usually abandon the method in just a short time.

But there are days that come when I turn on my camera and I can't say one sentence without a frustrating block. And I never know when those times are coming. That's what is even more frustrating. And nobody knows when I've had those days, unless they see a video that has been more heavily edited than others. There have even been times when I will edit parts of a spoken word. I will stutter on a word and then will edit out the stutter that appears in the middle of the word.

The upside of all of this is...I've become a very skilled video editor and have even edited videos for other YouTube users.

Sometimes I will go to work and find that I can speak pretty fluently, using all of the tricks (for my personal tricks that I use to get around stuttering, scroll down to older post) that I've developed over the years. Other times, I can't say three words in a row without a block and sometimes my tricks will even fail me, the blocks are so bad.

And you NEVER know when those times are going to be. I just have bad days...and sometimes I have good days and there seems to be no pattern to it. No rhyme or reason. Nothing to indicate why this day I'm more fluent, while yesterday I struggled all day to say five words in a row without making the listener uncomfortable.

This is what makes stuttering such a confusing and frustrating ailment. And I'm sure this is what makes treating it be so difficult. Imagine trying to treat or cure an ailment whose symptoms are never consistent. And one whose cause is unknown. And one where the dynamics of what exactly is happening when it happens...are a mystery. Does a stutter start in the mouth? The throat? The brain? Why is it that if I fake a French or British accent..my stutter disappears? Why is it that if I know the answer to a question that's being asked, but can't say the word, that right after someone else says it, I can then say it? Why do I never stutter if I speak in unison with someone else?

These are all questions that may never be answered in my lifetime. Perhaps one day a cure or effective treatment can be found, but until then, we'll just keep asking the questions...and I'll usually only ask them in written form. It's easier that way. :)

I'm Back!

I'm very sorry I took such a long break from this blog, it was actually a reader named James who inspired me to come back, thanks, James. Since my last writing, I left San Diego, moved to Pennsylvania and am now a children's counselor in a children's psychiatric hospital. The stuttering doesn't get in the way of this job hardly at all, it seems. The only thing I have trouble with at all is if I have to call out to parents or clinicians to report things. That is very difficult, because I have to introduce myself, say where I'm calling from and then wait for recognition. Talking to the kids is not difficult at all. Mostly, they just think I pause and think a lot, which is what we're supposed to do anyway. :) And doing group sessions is especially easy because, as I've indicated before, talking before groups is, strangely, the times where I stutter the least. Go figure.

Also, we carry radios at certain times in case of a crisis situation and if one occurs, we are supposed to radio to the mobile support team. I've yet to be able to do this. If ever they need to be called, I ask someone else to do it. I'm sure that if I'm in a pinch, I could do it, with stumblings, but whatever.

What continues to annoy me in my stuttering world is the people who, when they discover that I stutter, they play it off as if everyone stutters. "Oh, I do that! It's not a big deal." No, you do NOT do that. You occasionally stumble over your words as most human beings do, but you do NOT have a persistent developmental stutter that causes you daily stress in what most see as ordinary situations, like introducing yourself, or answering a simple phone call or approaching a clerk to ask him where the light bulbs are located. When you have that daily stress, then tell me, "Oh, I do that!"

I know they mean well and they don't mean to play down the condition, but it still annoys me sometimes. You, too?

I Met Richard Dreyfuss

I am the inventory manager at my place of business (book store) and today I was called over to help a customer set up the wireless internet on his computer in the cafe. I was shocked to find that the customer was none other than Academy Award winner, Richard Dreyfuss. Apparently, he frequents our location about once a week and stays for hours.

I didn't react when I met him, just introduced myself. I was amused that he introduced himself, as well. I just smiled and say, "Yes, I know who you are. It's an honor."

I sat and talked with him for about half an hour...he was extremely personable, funny, asked me a lot of questions about my job and then went into an interesting discussion about the current state of technology and our access to information, etc. I didn't really catch all of what he was talking about...I was too preoccupied with the knowledge that I was talking to one of my favorite actors.

Some of my favorite movies that he was in: What About Bob...Mr. Holland's Opus...Nuts...JAWS...The Goodbye Girl...and Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

Anyway, after that, I left him and he sat working on his Mac for about 3 hours. As he began to leave, I was able to help him locate a specific book. It was all very surreal.

Yes, I'm given to being star struck. :)

Advice for Parents with Children who Stutter

I am writing this in response to a question a mother posted on my recent blog entry about my video log on YouTube. She was kind enough to comment and wanted to know of my personal advice to parents with a child who stutters. Her little boy is five years of age and, like me, had (has) a severe stutter at that age. You can see her blog and her beautiful children here:

http://ryderwrong.blogspot.com/ (my Mac won't create a link, unfortunately)

The first piece of advice I will give is...to not make it a big deal AROUND him, if you know what I mean. If a parent doesn't make a big deal out of it...he won't make as big a deal out of it. If he was like me...he's already aware of it and it's a source of frustration for him. If handled the wrong way by a well-meaning, but misguided parent...it could lead to some serious self-esteem issues very quickly. This was my case, unfortunately. My parents had no idea how to address stuttering and thought it was my fault...and tried all manner of directions to me to get me to stop.

"Son, talk slower. Slooooow down, okay? No, slow down. Think about what you are saying before you say it. Calm down! Stop talking so fast! Son, you can solve your own problem. Slow it down a bit!"

I say it was my parents, but the truth is, my mother left me when I was 3 and this was when my stutter first appeared. I stopped talking altogether for about 3 months. My grandmother took me to a child psychologist and when I began talking again, I not only had a severe stutter...but also an imaginary friend who lived under the kitchen table named "Amos". My stutter is still with me...but Amos made his departure not many years later.

My mother's first husband raised me until I was 10 and his method of trying to cure my stutter was to hit me in the stomach if I stuttered. He truly thought it was my doing and thought a little firm-hand training would do the trick. Unfortunately for me, it didn't work at all and only made it much worse. He stopped doing it once he learned that it wasn't working. I think he would have been much more suited to raising cobras than children.

Second, I would research long and hard before throwing your child into therapy of any kind. Again, the wrong therapist who doesn't understand stuttering and the emotional baggage it carries can create self-esteem issues with the child. You don't want him to feel he is "flawed" or "defective". I would personally interview any therapist you might consider to find out exactly what sort of methods he or she employs.

Again, unfortunately for me, I was placed in "school" speech therapy with a speech therapist who knew very little about the affliction. I would be removed from class twice a week to sit with her in an empty room, talking along with a metronome. Amazingly enough, it worked! I never stuttered once when the metronome was on and I spoke along with it. However, since I wasn't able to carry on normal conversations while speaking to a metronome, my stutter didn't go away outside of the therapy sessions and the therapy sessions only served to make me feel damaged...flawed...weird. A freak.

After watching my videos, you might think that life is great for me and that I'm very fluent...and those things are mostly true. However, don't be fooled by what you see. I am able to adaquately mask my stutter to a very large degree. As I said, most don't even know I stutter until they talk with me for more than 5 minutes. With the videos, I can capture very eloquent moments and edit out the stuttering. That's why my vids are never just straight through...they are pieced together. I have lots of unedited footage that I discard. Mostly, the methods I use to hide the stutter are:

1. Exhaling all the air out of my diaphram in order to force a word out. I can do this so subtetly that usually NOBODY is the wiser. However, if I do it too much, I come away from a conversation very fatigued in my abdomen and in my mind. It's very tiring doing that.

2. Faking introspection. I pretend to think of what I'm saying and pretend to pause to search for a word...when really I'm at a bad block. I would stutter pretty badly if not for this method. This works pretty darn good most of the time...unless I'm pausing in a place that nobody else would pause. "I was wondering if you think this shirt matches my.............pants".

Most people at that point would have completed my sentence for me, probably wondering why I paused.

Talking on the phone to friends and family is the worst. The worst. I avoid the phone at all cost and often get angry and frustrated when talking to my mother. She still gives the same stupid advice. "Son, just slow down, calm down. Don't stress." She means well, but has no idea what it's like. My son will sometimes find it funny when I get that way. Kids. :)

Recently, I was at a job interview and had no idea that the job required me to read from a script. It wasn't a telemarketing job, but part of my managerial responsibilities was to attend to a customer service issue...and they wanted to see how I would do reading from a script. It was a pure NIGHTMARE. They must have thought I was insane. They must have wondered why my interview went very well UNTIL I began to read...and then could never complete a sentence. You see, I didn't stutter...instead, I would just stop when a block arose. I would NOT stutter, because I was too embarrassed. Instead, I just kept apolozing for being nervouse.

Of course, they didn't call me back for another interview. Don't worry, I got a great job as an Inventory Manager for a book company. Better job, anyway and no script reading. :)

I think the most difficult thing for me today is not being able to say what I want, when I want to say it. I am a big talker by nature...and have a great sense of humor and I honestly think I would have made a great stand up comic...except that I cannot be spontaneous enough for it. And I absolutely refuse to integrate stuttering into my routine. I wish for the eloquence of Ellen Degeneres or Jay Leno or Robin Williams. I often think of (what I think are) clever funny lines to things people say...but can't say them...so I keep silent. The few times I've attempted to tell a joke...the way I have delivered the punchline makes everyone forget the point of the joke to begin with. Thus...I turned my eloquence to writing. I enjoy writing probably more than anything.

Anyway, I've turned this more into a post about ME than about advice...but if at least one thing I said was of any help or illumination...then I'm satisfied. And of course, I can always write more later. :)

Delving into YouTube VLogging

So, I finally did it. I want to delve into the VLOG world of YouTube....a lot of my friends are doing it, so I want to, as well. To hell with stuttering. As you'll see by the link, the video is not a trainwreck...but you'll also notice I pulled EVERY SINGLE trick I have out of my arsenal to *hide* my stutter. I think that stutterers will be able to tell...even if you didn't read this, if you stutter and you saw the video, you might suspect that I was stuttering, rather than hesitating as people sometimes ordinarily do. Also, I edited out blocks that I couldn't avoid. The version you will see is actually a lot better than the first attempt. The first attempt was horrible...I was so nervous. This one is much better. I used "word exchanging" so often that sometimes I think my sentences sound a bit awkward...or maybe I'm just be overly sensitive about it.

I think that some stutterers or therapists would tell me that this type of "masking" my stutter is not good for me...that I would do better to simply stutter. I disagree, however. If I was going to do that...I wouldn't even make any videos...and I can't imagine that's better for my self-esteem or social endeavors.

Any thoughts?

Video: http://youtube.com/watch?v=7vsQEP8UxQk

Writer's Cramp Episode

Yesterday I interviewed for a position as a clinic adminstrator (interview went well, but not sure if I will move to that position...not enough compensation to justify it) and I noticed, much to my chagrin, that I was required to fill out a four-page application that included, among other things, a half page on which I was to write a paragraph about myself and my aspirations, goals, etc.

As I've indicated here before, I make all attempts to avoid having to write anything due to the complications that arise (including pain) from my medical writer's cramp. Ordinarily I am completely unable to get past about a line or two without serious cramping in my hand and wrist and the writing rapidly begins to fall down into illegible scribbling.

Since I didn't want my application to appear to have been written by a mental patient, I focused every bit of energy I could into keeping my hand as steady as possible, and each word as neat as I could make it. Writing that paragraph was so difficult that by writing's end, I was actually sweating and my hand ached so that even this morning, the middle of the back of my hand between the tendons still feels bruised and sore.

I found this article on the treatment of writer's cramp using Botox injections...and it reports a significant improvement in the symptoms and can provide relief for up to 6 months:

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/medicalnews.php?newsid=59603

"Botox"' the popular anti- wrinkle treatment, can also ease writer's cramp, suggests a small study published ahead of print in the Journal of Neurology Neurosurgery and Psychiatry. "

I am thinking of speaking to the neurologist who diagnosed me...to see if this treatment is available to me. I also read that acupuncture can provide relief for some patients...but I've always been a little skeptical of it.

I also read that pain and aches from writer's cramp are not common...and, according to Dystonia Foundation at this site: http://www.dystonia-foundation.org/pages/more_info/54.php, pain symptoms associated with this form of dystonia may be more frequent when the dystonia is SECONDARY.

Thus: "Cramping or aching of the hand is not common....If the writer’s cramp is secondary, there may be a greater frequency of pain."

And: "Secondary: Those forms of dystonia that are attributed to an outside factor such as physical trauma, exposure to certain medications, and additional neurological or metabolic diseases.

That means, if I am reading correctly, that the writer's cramp dystonia may simply be a by-product of some other neurological condition that the patient already has. In my case, perhaps it's the Essential Tremor neurologicaly condition I was also diagnosed with.

The Dystonia Foundation also reports that Botulin injections may be the best route for relief. The best results they found for drug therapy is about a 5% improvement:

"A multitude of oral drugs has been studied to determine benefit for people with writer's cramp, but none appear to be uniformly effective. About 5% of people's symptoms improved with the use of anticholinergic drugs, such as Artane® (trihexyphenidyl), Cogentin® (benztropine).

Botulinum toxin injections into selected muscles are helpful in treating writer's cramp, especially when significant deviation of the wrist or finger joints is present. Although this treatment is not effective for all people, significant improvement in writing and reduction of pain is seen in at least two-thirds of those persons treated."

I think all of this information justifies my exploration of the Botulin route of treatment.

Cho Seung-Hui's Parents

It just occured to me, while I was watching the coverage of the Memorial Service of the Virginia Tech victims...what must the parents of Cho Seung-Hui be going through?

If you are a parent...can you imagine the horror of knowing that the child you brought forth into the world some years ago...the child who, no doubt, brought you countless hours of laughter, happiness and joy...the child you watched grow up and for which you had dreams of greatness...the child you lifted on your shoulders, tickled before bedtime...the child who was once a symbol of hope, the future and possibility...now stands as a symobl of such misery and horror that his actions are deemed the worst shooting tragedy in American history.

Because of the child you brought into the world...the President of the United States is making a speech about 32 young people dead. Your child killed them.

Because of the child you brought into the world...a new page of indelible tragic history will never be forgotten. Your child wrote that page...and his face will always be associated with death and misery.

How could you ever celebrate the birth of your child again? How could you keep out photos of him as a smiling, laughing baby, understanding that those photos represent a brief time when his life would ultimately apex in a crazed moment of murderous outrage, outdone by any criminal before him?

How could you do anything...but now wish to God that he was never, ever born.

Think about it.

As a parent, I can't imagine how difficult that must be. So, my heart goes out to them, as well as the victims.

Neurologically Related?

I never thought about it much before, but I think it's possible that the neurology behind stuttering could be related to the neurology that surrounds the two other conditions that I have (but rarely mention). Two years ago, I was diagnosed with both Essential Tremor (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Essential_tremor ) and Medical Writer's Cramp...a form of dystonia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dystonia ).

I began to notice, years ago, that my hands naturally shake when I perform tasks, like bringing a cup of coffee to my mouth or putting a pencil into a sharpener. The closer to the sharpener or to my mouth that my hands would go, the more noticable the tremor. My co-workers began to notice it when in meetings, if I held up a piece of paper to read...it would shake pretty badly. Most thought I was just nervous or had had too much coffee.

Add to this, the fact that, since about school age, I've had a very difficult time writing more than 3 sentences in a row. After the first line, my hand would literally begin to ache and I would be unable to relax it to write smoothly. After about 3 sentences, my writing became erratic and virtually illegible. I got marked off on my grades for being "sloppy" and my early school teachers would give me handwrting assignments to try to improve my handwriting. To no avail.

Once I got into high school, I did everything I could to convince teachers to let me type all of my papers...rather than write them. And by college, I never hand wrote anything...and still don't to this day.

Keeping a journal is something that appeals to me and even have about 5 of them I have collected. None have more than one page filled, however. I simply can't do it. Additionally, when I work out at the gym...certain exercises are funny to watch. For example, when I do the machine for building up my front-thigh muscles, my legs vibrate very strongly when I lift the weights. It's almost embarrassing.

When I was diagnosed for Essential Tremor, the neurologist asked me if I had difficulty with writing. I said that I did and he gave me a simple writing test to determine the extent of my problem. The test consisted partly of beginning in the middle of a piece of paper and slowly drawing a spiral, working my way out. By the third revolution, the spiral disintegrated into a warbling, jumbled mess.

Interstingly, I am almost ambidextrous (born left-handed, early teachers forced me to write with my right hand)...and if I write with my right hand, there is no noticeable tension and I can write smoothly, though it's very time consuming, since it's not as natural. Also, the handwriting appears to be that of a school-aged kid. Very structured and loopy.

So, he prescribed Proponolol for the tremor and offered that I might have surgery for the Writer's Cramp...or injections of some kind...can't remember what. Maybe Botox. I declined both.

I'm just wondering if there might be some connection between the neurological condition that causes my stuttering...and these other conditions.

I'm An Outlaw Stutterer!

Are all police officers morons or is it just in America? So, I'm pulled over for an alleged minor traffic violation...I didn't come to a full stop in a residential stop sign...and this burly cop with too much after-shave an over-sized neck knocks on my window. He was wearing Ray Ban sun-glasses, which I think are standard issue in California. Apparently, they think it's cool...as if wearing fashionable sunglasses will make up for the fact that they all look like idiots with more gadgets attached around their belt than Batman.

So, I roll down the window and he asks me if I know what I'm being pulled over for...like I'm on a game show or something and if I answer correctly I win a prize. I noticed that he had beefy forearms that would rival those of Popeye...which I found hilarious. He obviously spent a considerable amount of time in the gym, working on those formidable appendages. I thought about telling him that perhaps he ought to have spent some of that valuable time working on the area just below his chest and right above his belt...but since his ego is probably directly proportional to the size of his gut, I didn't risk the remark.

I answered that I did know...and he proceeded to give me a truncated seminar about the dangers of rolling through stop signs. Apparently there is some kind of out-of-control epidemic of old ladies and school children being mowed down by cars traveling at the outrageous speed of 2 miles an hour.

He then asked me where I was headed and I hesitated in my answer, facing a particular nasty stuttering block...and right away...he jumped to the conclusion that I was either lying or hiding something...or maybe drunk. Or all three. I finally said that I was headed home. He asked me if I was sure, since I hesitated and I told him I was a stutterer. I'm guessing that they teach pharmacology at the police academy, because he then asked the brilliant question, "Are you taking medication for that?"...like this was relevant, as if an over-dose of some stuttering medication causes people to commit minor traffic violations.

I wanted to ask him if he was taking his daily idiot pill, but instead just said that I wasn't. He then walked to the back of my SUV and peered in the rear window, presumably looking for bodies or automatic weapons or something equally dramatic. I think he was disappointed to only find my work-out clothes and a case of bottled water because he came back to my window and asked me for my driver's license and proof of insurance. "Is this your vehicle, sir?"

No, it belongs to my pimp, you pinhead.

"Yes, and it's paid for, as well." That was a lie, but since my current monthly payment was already made, I figured I could squeak by on a technicality if it came up as an issue at my criminal trial.

I lucked out, though, because he let me off with a warning and a final few words on the dangers of violating traffic laws...and then he sombered back to his cruiser and drove away.

I've never been accused of lying or being drunk because of my stutter...so I thought the entire incident was a bit amusing.

Defining Stuttering Terms For Clarity's Sake

Recently, another blogger and I have had a really enjoyable "debate" or discussion about stuttering. To see Jerome's full responses, click on the "Shame on the Stuttering Foundation" entry and read the remarks. But, to address one point that I thought was worth a separate blog entry:

Jerome said: "I guess that's a matter of definition. If somebody continuously uses a technique, or even mental state, that allows him not to stutter then I'd say that he has more or less reached the goal."

Yes, I agree...and I highly praise those individuals. I suppose we needed to define our terms because I was more talking about an authentic "cure"...some kind of treatment that would remove any more necessity to even be aware of ones speech as stutterers must constantly be.

For myself, I am mostly fluent, because I have learned since childhood to use techniques to hide my stutter. I have been called a "closet" stutterer...or a "covert" stutterer. For example, if I am meeting someone for the first time, I employ a method of forcing all of the air out of my lungs and pressing my diaphragm upward on every sentence in order to force words out, making me fluent...though the listener cannot tell how taxing this is on me. Often, I go away from these conversations very worn out, mentally & emotionally...with my stomach in knots.

Another method...I feign introspection when I'm at a word I cannot say. Instead of audibly blocking...I internally block until I can get past or I can find an alternative word. The listener is none the wiser...unless they know me and know of my method. For example, I try this trick with my son and he knows what I'm doing. When I act like I'm thinking about my response, he'll often say, "Just spell it if you can't say it." This actually gets annoying if I'm actually thinking and not using the trick. :)

To most people, they would relate to others that I am fluent...that I've probably overcome my stutter...and that I'm a success. I do acknowledge that I am a success at communicating...but I do not feel good about my speech because I get frustrated that I can't say what I want to say when I want to say it...and I can't say it STRESS FREE.

This is the sort of success I'm looking for. I don't want a prosthetic leg so that I appear to walk like everybody else. I want the REAL LEG. Understand, I'm not really expecting this kind of goal...I'm simply defining my terms....I'm defining what I mean by an authentic "cure".

And this is why I don't think that traditional speech therapy will provide one. Traditional therapy will help the adherent find ways to get around a stutter...find ways to feel better about a stutter...help the adherent COPE with the stutter and the emotional baggage that comes with it...but at the end of the day, it will not make the stutterer like everyone else.

Perhaps what I'm looking for is unrealistic. Perhaps it's akin to "re-growing" that missing leg. Maybe it will never happen. But...one can certainly hope.

The delayed audio feedback device makes me almost 100% fluent and when I use a similar device on my computer, I do not have to think about talking. Somehow, this device tricks my brain into being fluent. I believe that it's somehow bypassing some chemical imbalance or physical abnormality in my hearing/brain/whatever. It accomplishes what over 10 years of traditional speech therapy could not...and it does it immediately.

I don't pretend to be an expert on stuttering...I'm on a learning journey as are most stutterers. These are all just my opinions based upon my own subjective experiences. And I welcome the perspectives of those who disagree.

Stop Blaming The Stutterer

I found a stuttering link today, advertising a workshop and some articles about stuttering: http://www.masteringstuttering.com

From the website, under the "What we believe" link, I found this information:

1. Blocking and stuttering are learned behaviors.

2. Learned behaviors can be unlearned.

3. If you can speak fluently in even one context, you can speak fluently in any context.

I wanted to address these because the website claims that stuttering is a learned habit, thus, "As you can probably already tell, we believe it is one’s thinking that creates the blocking and stuttering. We do not believe that if a person is fluent consistently in certain situations and blocks in others that the problem is physical and certainly not genetic. It is a very well learned behavior come from childhood hurts and reinforced through years of practice."

I disagree with most of this, simply because peer-reviewed research shows these conclusions above to simply not be entirely accurate. It's much too simplistic an approach.

While I believe that there is a "learned" component to our blocks and stutters, I believe most of those components are simply emotional reactions TO our stutter...not the other way around. The first time I blocked, it wasn't because of a mindset...it wasn't because I was afraid...it wasn't because I was put in a difficult situation. Nobody knows why one first stutters.

My reaction to my first block, however, caused me to become stressed, anxious, upset, etc. And because I blocked, I began to attempt to push past the block, physically...and eventually I found could speak. I taught myself my first lesson that day:

1. You will block. 2. Physical, exerted effort is the way out.

This lesson was repeated over and over and over throughout my childhood until I eventually carried it over into adulthood, where it was pretty much solidified and a natural part of my thinking, harmful as it may be.

Where is the habit? What is the learned aspect of this? The learned portion is my REACTION TO my blocks and stutter. That is the habit. And this also began to bleed over into my reaction towards stuttering situations where I might potentially stutter. This created a cycle, a pattern of having a certain emotional reaction to speaking situations.

However, there are times when I have zero stress. I feel totally at ease. I'm completely comfortable. Yet, I block and stutter. For seemingly no reason at all.

Further, I can go months and months with no problem saying words that begin with the letter F...and then suddenly, I begin having problems with just that letter. Or maybe two letters.

I believe that if that site were correct...there would be consistency in one's stutter. In fact, we would see consistency in most people's stuttering. But, that is hardly the case. People sometimes stutter when they are completely at ease and then they might all of sudden find they are fluent in the exact same situation...with no discernible change in how they felt or how they approached the situation.

Placing the blame onto the stutterer...by saying "you stutter because of the way you think"...unduly burdens the stutterer with guilt he/she should not be carrying. And you certainly wouldn't want to blame a young child in that manner.

Most of us went through years of wrongheaded thinking in our childhood because of some adult influence who continually told you that you wouldn't stutter if you'd only: slow down...think before you talk...calm down...etc.

For my childhood experience, I spent most of my formative years thinking that I was a jittery, shaky, nervous, hyperactive, stuttering moron...because of scoldings like that from wrong-headed, but well-meaning adults.

I believe, based upon my current research, that stuttering is partly genetic and partly chemical. In the brain. I believe that the brain of a stutterer functions differently, based upon scientific findings that show that stutterers often access the right side of the brain when approaching speech...rather than the left, which is what non-stutterers do. I think it's related to dopamine levels...and I believe that if there ever is a cure, it will be through medicine.

Meanwhile, I'll keep reading and researching.

And Now For Something Completely Different!

Guess how many times I stuttered during this video?

Don't Let Stuttering Discourage Your Dreams

Recently, I've received a number of emails from readers who are either thinking of going into a particular field of work or who are already in school or are working in particular fields and they ask about my law endeavors, if it's been a hindrance.

I'll be honest: yes, it's been somewhat of a hindrance. On a number of levels. First, in seeking an internship, it was a hindrance, first, because I didn't look as hard as other law students might, simply because I lacked the same confidence. Instead of being aggressive in my search, I looked for easier means of landing a position. Second, I'm certain that my stutter may have deterred one or two of the firms from taking me on. At the end of the day, however, one firm wanted me despite my stutter and went to great lengths to get me, even emailing and calling over and over even when I had settled on another. (It got rather annoying actually, to the point where I felt they were stalking me!)

I do not have any fear, however, that I will not be a decent, if not a better-than-average attorney. While good verbal skills are probably a great asset for a lawyer, being 100% fluent...or even 80% fluent is not required. I had a lawyer once who I thought was a complete idiot and, though he did not stutter, I felt his communication skills were on par with Billy Bob Thornton from the film "Sling Blade." He was uncomfortable in front of clients, in front of the court, and he made no special effort to win anyone's confidence and was rather an anti-social individual. Yet, despite this, he was a very successful attorney.

I, on the other hand, am a big-mouthed, opinionated person who loves to talk even though in some situations, I stutter pretty badly. I believe that people pick up on my confidence and they quickly ignore the hesitations, stammerings, and other aspects of my speech that display my stutter. If I am at a particularly difficult block...MOST PEOPLE simply wait with me and act as if nothing happened. And that's because, mostly, in professional settings, once I can get it out, I act as if nothing happened...and I think that lets them off the hook, as well. If I act all apologetic and uncomfortable...chances are, they might want to avoid future communication, so as to avoid that situation in the future. People will respond to your discomfort if you show it...by being uncomfortable themselves. If you act like it's no big deal, chances are, they will feel like it's no big deal.

Listen, people with all sorts of debilitating disabiities and afflictions overcome enormous obstacles to go on to do things that even fully functional people aren't able to do. Helen Keller, born blind, deaf, and dumb (mute) went on to be one of the most brilliant scholars in history and travelled the world, sharing her experiences. For crying out loud, she couldn't SEE, HEAR, or SPEAK. But, she did not let this stand in her way. Stuttering cannot even come close to being compared to what she overcame in her personal life.

The truth is: you can accomplish almost anything you set your mind to do. I am agnostic, but there is a Bible verse that I enjoy that says, "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he." There is much truth to that. Mostly, people are the way they are because they really just want to be that way. When you want to change...you will. But you won't change until you are determined to.

Stuttering can't hold you back from being a success in life...unless you allow it to. Understand, there are certain things that will be completely out of your control. Chances are, I'll never be an award-winning newscaster (ss if I wanted to be). So, knowing your limitations is important. However, don't borrow limitations. Don't assume you will be limited in this way or in that way...or in one situation or another. It's better to have some determination, make a noble attempt to accomplish the thing you want to accomplish...and then see what happens. At worst, if you fail, you can live with the knowledge that you damn well tried. And that is no failure, by anyone's standard.

I can't imagine that someone with even a chronic, severe stutter cannot go on to be a lawyer, a doctor, a dentist, a writer, a scientist...almost anything you can imagine. So, go...do it. I think you may surprise even yourself.

Shame on The Stuttering Foundation

It seems the non-profit organization is riding on the coattails of celebrity by latching onto Tiger Wood's comments about his brief stint with stuttering as a youngster.

http://www.stutteringhelp.org/Default.aspx?tabid=499

Jane Fraser, President of The Stuttering Foundation had this to say about Tiger Woods overcoming stuttering:

"The parallels between speech performance and sports performance are striking. Tiger Woods is the latest example of how the many hours of practice and hard work to win in sports are no different from those long hours spent in therapy for stuttering"

This is pure, un-adulterated crapoloa meant to pander to our society's fascination and veneration of celebrities. In my research, I've seen no correlation between the type of hard work it takes to win an Olympic Medal or win a golf tournament and the type of hard work that goes into speech therapy. It's misleading, at best...in that, it will lead the impressionable and the young to the conclusion that if they work like an olympic champion, they will be as successful with their fluency, as Tiger Woods is.

I had intensive speech therapy as a child from the ages of four to ten years of age and the hard work I put into it...grueling, degrading hard work...had no discernible effect on my stuttering. Over the years, I've met many stutterers who express the same experience. Which is why many give up on traditional speech therapy. The manifestation of success is marginal, at best.

Shame on Jane for this. First of all, we don't know how severe Tiger's stutter was or is. How fluent was he? How old was he when he stuttered? By his own admission, his stutter was "brief". Does this indicate that it wasn't truly a stutter at all, as most persistent, chronic stutterers understand stuttering to be? Or was it just a phase that he went through...like one that my own son went through for a month or so when he was around four years of age?

Without this critical information, it's irresponsible to use the words that Jane Fraser used because it will lead the ordinary young child stutterer to the conclusion that they can accomplish what Tiger has...when it's likely they won't. Even The Stuttering Foundation's own website says this! Have a look:

http://www.stutteringhelp.org/Default.aspx?tabid=148

"If you have stuttered all your life, it is unlikely that the stuttering will ever go away completely."

Wow, really? Let me ask: is this news to any adult stutterer? Answer: NO. However, this is probably going to be very big news to a child stutterer who relies upon Jane Fraser's words that strongly imply that you can be as successful as Tiger Woods if you practice as hard and as long as he does.

While I don't impugn the Foundation's over-all goal of assisting stutterers in getting the latest information about stuttering and the Foundation's goal of providing a lot of resources on their website...this latest public statement is something that bothers me greatly. In fact, their entire list of famous people who stutter...bothers me.

But, that's for a different entry.

New DAF Device?

I found a link from another website to an offer for a device that functions, by all accounts, very similar to the SpeechEasy device. Have a look at it here:

http://www.stutterfree-tool.com/

This new device appears to partly mimic the very expensive SpeechEasy...but does so at a fraction of the cost. (SpeechEasy is upwards of $3-4,000...whereas the Stutterfree-tool is only $595.) I also note that it doesn't appear to offer DELAYED audio feedback...rather, they advertise that it offers DIGITALLY MODIFIED audio feedback. The device picks up the vibration your voice produces in the body...and feeds it into your ear through the earpiece. I haven't heard of that method before...or whether it even works.

I am intrigued...for a few reasons. First, I know that a delayed audio feedback device will work for me. I use a MacBook at home and have Garageband software (music editing). One of the features of GarageBand allows you to do Podcasts and I discovered that I can hear myself while recording my voice, wearing headphones. When wearing the headphones and speaking (before actually recording)...I can hear myself through the ear pieces. If I apply a certain chipmunk voice effect, I then hear both a delayed audio feedback and a frequency modulated feedback.

When both are applied (or just the DAF is applied), I am nearly 100% fluent. Thus, I am pretty confident that a mobile DAF device will work for me.

But, I am also hesitant of this new device for a few reasons...and any good product that is charging people hundreds or thousands of dollars should be able to stand up to scrutiny. If a company becomes defensive because of genuine concerns and critical scrutiny...my advice would be to run away from them as fast as you can.

One reason, the website looks very homegrown...unorganized, cheaply done and not very appealing on any level. I would be hesitant to buy a DAF device from someone behind a lemonade stand on the side of the road...just as I would be hesitant to purchase anything from this website. They ought to invest some money into their image.

Another reason, there are no photos of this device on the website. Years ago, I read of a scam where someone advertised a guaranteed roach-killing device in the classified section of a newspaper. If you mailed in $1...you would be sent this guaranteed device. Apparently, it got a pretty big response and the guy made some money.

What the consumer was mailed in return was two small blocks of wood...and simple instructions: Place roach between blocks and press firmly. Thank you very much. You have your roach killer...and it is, in fact, guaranteed to kill roaches.

Why no photos of this device? I would never expect anyone to send me over $500 for a device that I won't even display.

What they do have is a very strange, badly drawn diagram of how the device is worn. It looks like the drawing of a third grader. Not very confidence inspiring!

Lastly, there appears to be no documentation (besides testimonials, which, if we are honest, can be entirely faked) on the effectiveness of the device or the method. And there is no information on the site about the manufacturer. Who are these people? Where are they? Are they working with experts, speech pathologists, etc? Or is this device manufactured in somebody's garage?

I would encourage all of you to have a look at this new device and give me some feedback here...and maybe even contact the manufacturer. I intend to email the company and invite them here to respond to this entry.

Job Search Anxiety Issue

I got an email from a very nice person who stumbled upon my blog...and he brought up an issue that piqued my interest. He related that he doesn't like it when he is doing a job search and the advertisement for the job solicits someone with good communication skills or excellent verbal skills. He said that he'd rather have the employer assess these sorts of skills on a one-to-one basis, rather than posting it in the advertisement, making it stressful for the stutterer...or even deterring them altogether.

While I agree with the sentiment of the question...I am not sure he is seeing the big picture.

I think that even if the job advertisement solicits those with "good verbal skills"...that requirement is arbitrary in definition, meaning that the definition of what that means will vary from employer to employer and from one job applicant to another. People who speak fluently don't necessarily have good verbal or communications skills...and we who stutter do not necessarily have weak communication/verbal skills.

Advertising that requirement is probably meant to deter those who know they are shy or know they don't like to talk...unsociable people. It's saying, "I hope you like to talk. I hope you like to communicate. This job requires it." It's not necessarily meant to deter people who stutter, but who otherwise ENJOY talking or ENJOY communication. Does that make sense?

If you are sociable, outgoing and love to talk to people...but have a stutter that you are determined to NOT let stand in your way...an employer will probably hold that bold ambition in high regard...and might want to give you a chance simply for having the determination to NOT be limited by your won handicap. If they aren't such a person...perhaps working for him or her is not in your best interest, anyway.

As an aside, I think one part of our accepting our affliction requires us to know our limitations. A man born with no legs simply must face the fact that he can't get a job as a stage dancer. A man born deaf simply must face the fact that he'll never be a music producer. Likewise, I, as a stutterer, must simply face the fact that I will likely never land a job as a radio announcer.

There is nothing wrong with limitations when you recognize them. In fact, that is an asset to possess. Expecting the world around us to make unreasonable exceptions FOR the limitation, however...is a bit pathetic, in certain circumstances. In my view, it's akin to what's wrong with our educational system in the United States. They are taking away many of the competitive aspects of public education...so as not to "offend" low achievers. Instead they want to remove competition and have all kids be "special".

But the obvious result is...when you make everyone special...then nobody is.

A Response From Mark Vladmir Clay

Seems Mr. Clay has responded to our inquiries of his multiple websites. (Read recent entries to learn more of this issue) Keep in mind, Mr. Clay claims to have had OCD, Anxiety Disorder & was a stutterer. And has since recovered from all three using his mysterious homeopathic, alternative-medicine remedies...though his website gives no clue what exactly he used...shows no statistics to show the effectiveness of his "programs"...and there is not one shred of scientific or medical research that he can point to in order to give any potential victims...oops, I mean "customers"...confidence that what he's peddling might actually work.

Instead, you have to roll the dice at a cost of $93.

He writes to me (freely visible in the remarks section of my last post):

"The programs have been created as a result of going to various alternative medicine practitioners for years and trying their stuff for both conditions- stuttering and compulsive behaviors."

Me: Care to offer some research or statistics to show the alleged effectiveness of your program or these alternative medicines you are talking about? They DID have a class in EVIDENCE at Cooley, did they not? You DO realize the importance of substantiating your claims, yes?

He writes further:

"The information that is used for anxiety disorders comes from the original programs. It only excludes the speech component and the compulsive component of conditions. There is a lot of detail about these alternative medicine therapies and what these programs include online."

Since you are charging people money for your "program", I suggest you offer some links to some empirical studies done on this "information" you are offering. Don't you think you would appear more ethical if you were to do so? Have you ever spent $100 without knowing exactly what you were getting...or without having any information about the effectiveness of the product you are investing in? Free clue: your one letter from "Jen" on your site is not evidence.

He writes more:

"Natural Therapy for Stuttering teaches one how to use homeopathic remedies, energy medicine techniques, hypnosis, flower essences and visualization techniques in combination for optimum results, and it is targeted towards stuttering. It consists of experimentation notes that have been modified subsequently."

Me: You are typing a lot of words, but you aren't really saying anything. Is there ANY EVIDENCE AT ALL that your therapies work? If so...PLEASE provide it for public scrutiny. After all, you are expecting people to OPEN THEIR WALLETS to you. Shouldn't you spend some effort building some confidence in your clients?

More:

"The word "cure" stirs much debate here. The goal of all alternative medicine therapies is to cure a person. All natural remedies have curative powers. Particularly, the need for them diminishes with time."

Unless you are peddling an FDA approved medication, you cannot use the word "cure" or "treat" with regard to your product in conjuction with any authentic medical disease or disorder...or any word that would lead the general public to the conclusion that your products/therapies do anything for those conditions.

Simply ask any of the hundreds of alternative medicine companies that have been either heavily fined or closed down altogether. Once you say your product treats or cures an authentic disease or medical disorder...you are claiming it is a "drug" according to the FTC and the FDA.

You don't even have to take my word for it...simply do some research on the FDA or FTC site. Any reputable practitioner would be more than happy to do this BEFORE peddling a "curative" product to an unwitting public.

And further:

"For instance, taking a homeopathic remedy called Sulphur in 1M or 10M potency will reduce not only symptoms of stuttering, but many anxiety symptoms as well in many people who have these problems."

Please substantiate this claim with any sort of research, documentation or proof.

Then he opines:

"To be a lawyer, you need to be able to think analytically."

And behave ethically, yes? And do adaquate research on legal business practices, yes? And know Federal guidelines about advertising alternative medicines, yes?

You simply do not have this ability.

Based upon what? My criticism of your three websites which offer to cure authentic, debilitating disorders using homeopathic alternative "medicines" with not one shred of scientific or medical research behind them, while you charge the unwitting public close to $100...while not even telling them what they are getting?

Is that how you concluded that I do not have analytical thinking abilities to the extent required by professional legal minds?

Galina Tchekan - FRAUD ALERT

Again, riding on the coattails of Tom Weidig of The Stuttering Brain Blog…I’m posting about some fraudulent activity he stumbled upon.

Take note of the three sites below. This guy is running three websites, one for homeopathic therapies for stuttering…one for OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), and one for Anxiety Disorder. All three sites, on the “About Me” page, give lengthy personal testimonials about how the author was afflicted with the “disorder” that each page is about. Huh? He had ALL THREE “disorders”…and is now cured and has developed a product and training in “curing” others? You’ll notice there are no links, connecting these sites together.

http://www.solutiontherapiesonline.com/index.html

http://www.naturaltherapyforstuttering.com/

http://www.alternativetherapyforgad.com/

Galina Tchekan
1002 Montrose Ave. # 183
Chicago, IL 60613

The sites are heavy in text, but very lacking in actual content. You’ll notice he never says what his “program” entails or what exactly you’ll be taking. Yet, he wants you to cough up $93USD.

I have reported this guy to both the Federal Trade Commission and to the Food & Drug Administration…and I urge you to, as well, to get as many “alerts” in about this guy as possible. He offers no credentials for his therapy or supplements, no research about any effectiveness, and even his information about each of the “disorders” is factually incorrect and very misleading in places. The “testimonial” letter on the OCD site has the feel of having been written by the same person who runs the site…replete with the same awkward English.

He is selling his snake oil, preying on people like us who are desperate for a “cure”. If you have the time, visit these two pages to submit your complaint to the FDA and the FTC.

https://rn.ftc.gov/pls/dod/wsolcq$solcq.actionview

http://www.fda.gov/oc/buyonline/buyonlineform.htm

Call To Customer Service Nightmare

I got an email message today from my cell phone company, giving me my current balance, etc, etc...and long story short, somehow the idiot who sold me my new Razr over the Christmas holidays...added a new line to my account, making my total balance much higher than usual.

Needless to say, I was angry...not only because of the hassle of such a predicament, but because now I was forced to call customer service to remedy the problem.

The first thing (after 10 minutes of needless menu choices..."Press one if you're feeling happy today." Just kidding) the customer service rep wants me to do is to verify my account information...asking me for my last 4 SSN and my cell phone number. Both numbers, unfortunately for me, begin with the number 7, which is one of my problem numbers since it begins with an "S".

For the phone number, I began with the numbers after the area code...hoping I'd be able to toss in the area code as an afterthought after saying the rest of the numbers. Sometimes I can trick myself into being fluent that way.

Didn't work.

She asked me three times for the area code. When I finally got it out...she said I had to give her the number all over again. I was so frustrated, all I could do was laugh...and then I started over.

Verifying my last four of my SSN was also a problem, so instead of giving the last four, I gave her the entire number. She seemed annoyed at my inability to follow directions.

I think I also alarmed her with my hesitations, because she had me verify some other information before allowing me to address why I had called or giving me any information about my account. by this time, I was annoyed enough that I could speak pretty fluently for the rest of the conversation, even though, over all, I was less fluent than I normally am.

Damn, I wish these company's would invest in having 9-5pm LIVE CHAT services on their site. It's much easier and less intrusive on your day than a phone call. AND it caters to people with speed impediments.

Children's Reaction to Stuttering

Tom from the The Stuttering Brain Blog posted recently about his *tongue in cheek* dislike for children because they lack the social skills yet to act normally when one stutters.

I've experienced this and can feel his pain. Children will often say whatever is on their minds..."Are you pregnant or just fat?"..."You're skinny!"..."You're bald!"..."Daddy says your wife is an alcoholic!"...

Really, they are just saying what most adults are thinking, but have learned, by the implementation of social graces, to not say every little thing that pops into their heads.

My young teen son is getting there, but he still occasionally will openly laugh or smirk if he finds a "block" to be funny sounding. I can tell that he tries to hold it in and he usually apologizes right after...but it is annoying. I tell him that if he had the problem, he'd probably not find it humorous.

I've never heard a stutter that I thought sounded funny. Even when they do it for comedy's sake in a film or on television (which they never get right, by the way.)

I do enjoy children and don't find much difficulty being around them with my stutter, but I do find that I'm much more self-aware when I am in the company of small kids who I know will probably inquire about my stutter or react in some obvious way.

Un-cooperative Mouth

Honestly, after a lot of the research I've read recently about stuttering...I seriously doubt there will ever be a cure. I do think that we stutterers will be able to find useful therapy...eventually, effective drugs...and devices that will induce more fluency...but I do not think we will find a cure.

I am beginning to see that stuttering is even more complicated than what I once believed. The problem with a "cure" is that there are too many factors that contribute to stuttering...for their to be a simple "pill" or "technique" that can address them all.

Dr. Martin Schwartz has a treatment that claims a near 94% success rate ...and after speaking with him, I was very educated in the hows and whys of stuttering...and explained that stuttering happens because of what happens before we begin to speak...but this explanation says nothing of why I will stutter, for example, right in the middle of a sentence with a word that begins with the letter L. This has even occured when I was completely alone and not stressed at all.

The mystery of stuttering is very frustrating. To me, it's very much like how I would feel if I dropped a rock from my hand...and instead of going down, it began to float upward. "Why are you doing that, Mr. Rock? There is no REASON for that to happen!" Stuttering seems to defy all reason and logic. I want to say a word...but it won't come out...yet there seems to be no reason for this to happen. It's like an invisible wall...invisible hands stopping your hand from rising to your mouth. "Mr. Hand, I want food. Why won't you rise to my mouth?"

I once met a woman in a nursing home who had had a stroke. She completely lost the ability to formulate words. She could only talk gibberish. Yet, she could understand everything that was said to her...and she could write down what she wanted to say. I was completely amazed by this. I would think to myself, "Okay, she can hear the words in her head...she can understand the words I say to her...she can move her mouth to speak...but she can't formulate the words? Why? Just do it!"

The truth is, there is probably some kind of damage to her brain that is preventing her brain from communicating properly with her mouth. Her mouth just won't cooperate with her brain. She could eat food normally, however, so the damage must have been isolated solely to the connection between brain and mouth that is associated with communication. Fascinating!

Thus, in stutterers, it's possible that somehow our mouths/throat/etc simply will not cooperate with our brains commands to speak. My conscious mind says "Speak"...my brain knows the command...sends the command to my mouth...which will not cooperate with me.

It's frustrating when you lose control of a part of your body, isn't it?

Automation Makes Me Happy

I am so glad I live in a modern world full of technologically advanced mechanisms that make it so I can do a lot of business on my own without having to interact with people as much. As most stutterers are aware, interacting with people creates opportunities for stuttering...which, in turn, creates opportunities for stress, disappointment, embarrassment, and other such nasty feelings and emotions.

1. The Internet: I now have a whole array of friends with whom my only contact is via the written word...emails...blog posts...discussion boards. I even talk to much of my family mostly online. And the occasional phone call. Also, virtually all of my bill paying is done online. I also make a lot of purchases online, never having to interact with a real person (at least directly).

One company with whom I do business online, has a 9-5pm INSTANT CHAT feature that lets you chat with a customer service person if you have a question.

2. Text messaging: Now I can text things to some of my friends. Conversations can last all day sometimes, as we simply reply when it's convenient. And then we talk once every couple days. Maybe twice a week.

3. Post Office: I no longer have to wait in line for simple transactions. I can simply conduct my posting business at the kiosk in the lobby of the post office. It will ask me a series of questions about my parcel or letter...I input some information...it weighs it for me on the attached scale...tells me the price of the postage...I insert my debit card. Voila! Never had to say a word. (Well, except to tell the impatient guy standing behind me to wait his turn. ;)

4. ATM: It's a rare day that I will go inside a bank. I've had my accounts at the same bank for years and I can count on one hand the number of times I've had to go inside to conduct any business. I even got a new ATM card on the internet. I opened a savings account...on the internet. I embezzled $50,000...on the internet. Just kidding.

5. DVD Rentals: I get all of my videos through the mail via a pay-by-month option. I get 3 DVDs at a time and never have to deal with a real person.

I'm certain that more and more things in our progressive society will become automated like this. Eventually, you'll be able to get Starbucks from a virtual store/kiosk...maybe even fast food will go that way. As long as the quality doesn't go down. That being said, what kind of quality does fast food have anyway?

Morning Stutter

Do you find that you are less fluent at specific times of the day? Ordinarily, I stutter the most early in the morning. This morning, for example, I was getting ready for work and my sister passed through the hall. It's not usual for her to get up so early (6:30am) and so I attempted to ask her, "Why are you up so early?"...but nothing would come out. Total block. My "tricks" didn't even work. I waited patiently for it to pass...but it didn't. Finally, I just sighed heavily and stepped back into the bathroom. My sister, accustomed to my stuttering, answered the question, knowing what I was trying to ask. "Thanks," I muttered.

I think I'm less fluent in the morning because it's already more difficult to talk when you first get up, am I right? Your mouth isn't fully in gear yet and most even have that groggy/sleepy voice when they first get up. Ordinarily, I try not to speak to anyone in the morning-first, because I'm a big grumpy head-but also because I find it difficult to use my avoidance techniques to get around stuttering. Mostly, they don't work that well before I've been up for at least an hour or more.

DAF Research Study

I found an article on PubMed about a recent study (November 2006) conducted on an auditory feedback (delayed audio) device, using 10 stutterering participants. Without rehashing the entire study (which you can read for yourself here)...the fast conclusion is that it proved successful in a short-term setting...and further study is needed to show long-term results.

As I've written about recently, I am interested in these devices and am doing a lot of reading and personal research. I spoke personally with Dr. Martin F. Schwartz about his device at the National center for Stuttering...and he promises 94% success rate long-term using not only his device...but his program. In fact, he opines that one cannot achieve success without a (his) program. The device alone will help you...but you cannot maintain the disclipline of applying the accompanying and necessary exercises...on your own. Both the device and the accompanying program are necessary for success. He personally told me that I could have "the monkey off my back" in about 6-9 months.

Of course, Dr. Schwartz has a vested interest in saying this...after all, he earns income when you are enrolled in his program; however, I am inclined to at least give him partial benefit of the doubt, given that he's a doctor and not just some guy peddling "snake oil". I doubt I will be trying his program anytime soon, however, as the cost of it is beyond my budget ($2400)...but I am keeping my eye on his work and on the work of other programs that offer this device. (To be fair, he did indicate that most PPOs and HMOs will shoulder most of the cost of the program.)

I would be interested in just trying a device for myself without a program, just to see what it can do for me. Even if the positive results are only marginal. As I stated before, I got a brief taste of the effect when I called my son at his school...and there was a spontaneous phenomenon of an echo in my phone, allowing me to hear myself back with a half-second delay. When the echo was present, I was nearly completely fluent, free from stuttering.

I've heard some indicate that the positve effects of such devices eventually wears off because of the phenomenon of immunity. Just as you eventually become accustomed to hearing background noise in some settings, like noisy factories...or the background music in stores...eventually the effects of the delayed feedback wear off as you become accustomed to hearing it. Of course, this claims are all anecdotal and I've never personally spoken to anyone who has tried the devices.

I do suggest to readers to at least read Dr. Schwartz information about stuttering and his findings. They are very interesting reading, if nothing else. I suggest that you start here.

No Updates?

I'm clicking on all of my linked blogs to the right and I'm noticing that most have not updated in months and months. Of course, it's a little hypocritical for me to say that, since I was gone at one time for months and months. I did notice that, as usual, The Stuttering Brain is current. And he's traveling the world right now! :)

You'll notice I've linked a new Discussion Board at http://www.stutteringdiscussion.com I'm hoping this will attract some traffic over time.

"It's Just A Habit!"

I spoke recently with a doctor who runs a successful therapy site and program and has written a few books on the matter...and his idea, based on 35 years of research, is that the "cure" for stuttering must come, NOT from treating the stutter...but from treating the STRESS that occurs in the throat muscles before ever speaking (paraphrasing).

He says that most are born with stress zones in our body...mostly in the shoulders, hands, abdomen (and others) and these areas become tense when we get stressed...but that about 2% of the population has an added stress zone...the throat. This stress zone becomes tense, learned from childhood when the child first stuttered, before speaking...and this is the root cause of stuttering.

When we were children, he contends, we first stuttered because of this stress zone that became tense in a given circumstance (first day of school, etc)...we then blocked or stammered/stuttered...and began a struggle right then to "force" the speech. Eventually, we were successful and we "taught" ourself that this struggle will result in speech...thus "reinforcing" the mechanism that first caused our stutter.

This "reinforcement" is so powerful that it's almost impossible to unlearn it on our own...thus, we need his program which you can read about at www.stutter.com. He founded the National Center for Stuttering. If you call their toll free number, you may even be able to speak directly to Dr. Martin F. Schwartz, like I did. He is very kind and very intelligent and gave me a lot of insight about my stutter.

I'm thinking of taking part! The cost I don't like, though: 6 payments of $400. Huge for me. I can't afford it...I may have to save up.

Anyway, have any of you tried this program...or are thinking about it? Do you agree or disagree with any of his information?

Delayed Audio Feedback Device Research

This site reports study that was done with participants wearing an audio feedback device for 3 months. At one time, I read somewhere that AFD are not effective because eventually, the adherent becomes immune to the effects of it. Sort of like how one gets accustomed to "white noise"...though the analogy isn't perfect.

This website seems to believe, based upon the findings of the study, that the use of the AFD does not gradually become ineffective and that long-term fluency can result from their use. Read for yourself: http://www.intertapeww.com/eng/research.html

The report is authored by Prof. J. Van Borsel, Gent University...but I don't know if he was the person conducting the study. The website does, however, sell an Audio Feedback Device, though I couldn't determine how to get one or how much it costs.

Is it just me...or does it seem there is a huge marketing/entrepreneurial opportunity here for someone who can produce a relatively inexpensive AFD that is easily accessible by people who aren't wealthy?

Stuttering Discussion

We've begun a new community for discussion online at http://www.stutteringdiscussion.com It's completely new and has very few posts on the board...trying to jump-start it, but you are welcome to join. I'm in the process of tweaking the look of the site...the forum isn't what I want yet...but it's coming along.

Please drop by if you are inclined and if you have some time. We would appreciate your involvement.

The Amnesia Solution?

Okay, Jerome is a gift that just keeps on giving, regarding blogging material. Yesterday, he made another comment on a post that got my attention. I quote: "I'm convinced (though I cannot prove it) that if I were to have amnesia and therefore wouldn't remember that I was 'supposed' to stutter, I wouldn't stutter anymore."

This is an intriguing concept to consider. I have heard, on a few occassions, by one expert or another, that stuttering is an authentic affliction up until one is around the age of 12 or so. Beyond that, it's a habit. Just as you can't "forget" how to smoke...(which is what makes quitting so difficult)...you can't "forget" how to stutter. It's become such a habit to tense up and expect to stutter, that you sort of cause it to happen. Perhaps it's an example of "which came first"...the stutter or the approach to speaking that causes the stutter?

If I could have amnesia for a day...it's very possible that I'd have no idea that I ever became stressful when approaching speech...and that, for that day alone, I'd not stutter. Of course, this only works if it's true that my stutter is only a result of my own stress towards speaking. If the affliction exists whether I'm stressed or not when approaching speech, then it probably wouldn't work...and I'd simply discover on that day that I stutter...discovering it all over again for the first time.

I tend to agree with Jerome, however, that I probably wouldn't stutter. I believe this because, for my own speech, when I am pretty confident...I won't stutter. For example, if I talk to myself in my car alone...there is no stutter. And one of the major problems of learning to become confident in situations where I'm usually stressed...I have this entire history behind me of being stressed in those situations...that I have to sort of "unlearn". It's easy to say, "I will no longer be stressed"...it's not so easy to put that into action, since I have years and years of becoming stressed in those situations behind me, providing a very firm foundation of stress that is nearly impossible to overcome.

If I could forget about it, though...as with amnesia, perhaps that would solve the problem. Thinking further, I wonder if hypnosis could undo some of that historical foundational stress?

Jerome's Insight

Sometimes we fail to see the forest for the trees, don't we? Yesterday, I posted about my ability to be completely fluent during job interviews, first dates, and public speeches. All times that I would ordinarily think would cause major dysfluency. Yet, they do not for me. I wondered why this would be.

Jerome posted a comment on the thread that probably revealed possibly why this phenomenon occurs. Jerome said, "Could it be that it's because you're kind of playing a role there? And it's only when you have to reveal your 'true' self that you start stuttering?"

I don't know why I didn't think of it before...but this rings true to me. Because an interview requires me to be "on"...to put on my professional persona...to turn on a "role" of sorts...to "act", if you will...then I am able to be fluent because of the affect I'm applying to my speaking. As if I'm being someone else for a time. When I go on a first date, I want to exude confidence...thus, I turn on the best "me"...and maybe this affected manner results in temporary fluency. And it will likely fall down into stuttering when it's turned "off".

As an experiment, this morning, I asked a colleague if she would allow me to interview her as if I was a reporter for a television show. Just to see what would happen with my speech. Funny enough, I was almost completely fluent, as long as I stayed "in character". I applied a very professional tone to my voice...a slight "news" accent...and it made me probably 95% fluent.

This tells me that Jerome is probably right about what he commented on yesterday's blog entry. If you've experienced something similar, please let me know. I'd love to hear more about this. I think this is somewhat related to the therapy that some apply where they "re-teach" you to speak with an affected manner/voice/accent. Tom Weidig of "The Stuttering Brain" blog (linked to the right) spoke with me about this when he was in town last week.

Fluent At Odd Times

I have always found it interesting that my fluent moments come at the strangest times. Sometimes they come at times one would normally expect me to be completely dysfluent. For example: Job interviews. I find that I am extremely comfortable and mostly fluent during job interviews. I can't seem to recall a single time I was interviewing for a job where I had trouble hiding my stutter. I've always maintained the ability to be fluent, confident and spontaneous with my speech.

Additionally, I am very fluent and confident when I am giving a public speech. Something just happens when I get the microphone in my hand or step behind the podium. I feel confident, fluent, and able to take on the world. I flourished during my public speeking classes in college...and would even tutor others who were terrified of speaking in front of others. For this reason, I've never joined public speaking groups like Toastmasters. Other stutterers have invited me to, but they join in order to build their confidence. I don't need that particular brand of confidence...so my time would be better spent doing other things.

As a side note here, the confidence completely vanishes if I have to tell jokes. I secretly harbor a dream to be a stand-up comic, but know that it's impossible because of the required "timing" of telling jokes. So, while I am confident speaking publicly, if the speech requires some kind of timing element...like punch-lines...I am in trouble. I can almost never deliver a punchline when it's time to do so.

First dates: Being single, I am still on the lookout for that special "one"...and find that if I go out on that dreaded first date, I am completely comfortable and articulate. It's only after becoming more familiar with someone that I begin to fall into a trend of blocking and stuttering.

To me, these three things are strange because it seems that stressful situations should cause my stutter to become worse...and in some ways, it does (like the telephone). But, with these three things mentioned in this entry, public speaking, first dates, and job interviews, I find that I am almost completely fluent, confident, and do very well.

The McGuire Programme?

In all of my blogging and research on stuttering, I had never heard of The McGuire Programme. Apparently it is an intensive 4-day program coupled with follow-up coaching with a personal coach, a graduate of the program and some follow-up courses you are able to attend for a modest fee. Most of the coaches listed on the site are from places other than the United States...a great deal from UK and Australia.

Since I am always looking for new therapies and information about possible "cures" or "recovery programs" for stuttering, this one intrigued me. Apparently it's been featured on mainstream networks and other visible venues.

I scoured the sight looking for any hint as to the method of therapy...and found very little information. I'd love to hear from some graduates of this program who can give some insight. There is no way I'll pay for a program I know very little about and am not at least moderately sure will help me.

The program is run by its own members...not a host of doctors or "experts" in speech pathology. I like that. I know it's a bad comparison, but this method is the same one that allows AA to be so successful. :)

Anyway, if you are interested in reading about the program, visit this website: http://www.freedomsroad.org/ and I will post more information if and as I get it. Again, if you are in this program or are a coach or a successful graduate, I'd love to hear from you.

Edited: I did find a blog post that gives a little information about the techniques used: http://www.muchohabla.com/mcguire

Meeting A Fellow Stutterer and Blogger

My meeting with Tom Weidig (at Starbucks in Mira Mesa, CA) from The Stuttering Brain blog went extremely well and I can report that he’s a highly intelligent, funny and insightful young guy. And despite his stutter, he is eager to talk about a wide variety of topics, including stuttering, and conveys a genuine interest in the person to whom he is speaking. I felt very at ease in his company and our few hours of chatting were very pleasant.

I made an embarrassing mistake right off, however. My education is mostly in law…not geography, and by some unfortunate slip of my early education, I had no idea where Luxembourg was and actually thought it was a city in Germany. *blush*

Interestingly, Tom brought to my attention a very effective means of preventing stuttering…it’s through a process of re-learning how to enunciate, using a very affected manner of applying emphasis on certain syllables in a word. Given that his accent is pretty strong, I didn’t notice a drastic change in the sound of his speech, using the affectation, as opposed to what he ordinarily sounds like. Thus, I thought the idea was wonderful…and his pretty strong stutter disappeared altogether.

I asked him why he didn’t use it all the time and he explained that it requires a lot of discipline to dedicate oneself to using the method consistently. Like with diets, the success is determined by a commitment to the program. If you let your guard down, you will undoubtedly relapse. Likewise, with this method, which requires almost a constant awareness of how you are talking, if you don’t stick with it, you’ll likely eventually abandon it altogether, despite the fluency freedom you’ve experienced using it.

Since I am a covert stutterer who uses many tricks to hide my dysfluency, he asked me to do an exercise. He asked me to pretend to stutter…to force myself to stutter. Understand, he wasn’t asking me to stop covering my stutter…he was asking me to actually feign a stutter. Seems easy, right? Not for me. I am very aware of my speech and my stutter can embarrass me. Thus, it took me a few minutes to gather up enough courage to do it. It made me very aware of myself. Tom seems to be completely comfortable as a stutterer, using almost no methods to get around it…and I admire him for that.

The Stuttering Brain

I've only ever met people I've met online a handful of times. Maybe even only 3 or less. Today I am honored to be meeting up with Tom Weidig (from Luxembourg) from the stuttering blog (see left link) The Stuttering Brain. He actually called me on Friday evening to agree on a date, time & place.

I am nervous about this meeting because, as I've said before, ordinarily, I avoid other stutterers if I can. A little too much reality for me sometimes. I don't like having a mirror placed in front of my face. However, it might be therapeutic...plus, I'm a fan of Tom's blog, so it's going to be nice to actually talk to him.

If you have read his blog or credentials, you'll know that he's very educated...having obtained both a Master's degree and a PhD. I'm still working on my graduate law degree.

Have a click over to his blog if you get the chance.

Why I Resist Therapies

By therapies...I don't mean mechanical devices (which I can't afford anyway). I am talking about on-going therapies that address the manner in which I speak...the attitude I have toward my stutter...and how I approach the world in general as a stutterer. Therapies like this one:

http://www.mnsu.edu/comdis/kuster/TherapyWWW/selftherapy.html

I have seen a trend with many of these therapies that include instructions like..."don't avoid stuttering...stutter freely", etc, etc. They encourage you to embrace your stutter. Don't hide in the "closet" as a stutterer. Become comfortable with stuttering. Blah-blah-blah.

The problem I have with this advice is that...I am comfortable enough with the tricks I use to mask my stutter. I am comfortable with pretending to be fluent. I don't believe that it will benefit me to freely stutter. In fact, it will harm my social life, my professional life...and virtually every aspect of my life. Mostly, people know that I am a stutterer if they get to know me beyond a first-time meeting or discussion.

At first meeting, people probably think I just pause a lot...or stammer more than usual. If they meet me again or begin to spend time with me...it usually becomes apparent that I am a stutterer. Yet, my "masking" techniques make it possible to have almost normal conversation. I rarely have tremendous problems. It goes the same way in my professional life. The "masking" techniques I use to hide my stutter have enabled me to have a semblance of normalcy in my social and professional life.

While the saying "if it ain't broke...don't fix it" doesn't apply here necessarily...it does apply with how my stutter impacts my life. The benefits of becoming more comfortable with being an openly stuttering stutterer...do not outweigh the benefits that come from using my "masking" techniques to hide my dysfluency.

Does this make sense at all?

2007 Resolutions

Ordinarily, people make New Year's Resolutions that have to do with improving their character...refraining from some not-so-healthy activity...or accomplishing some long-since-abandoned task or responsibility that continues to bug them from time to time.

Given that this blog is about stuttering and the experiences I(we) endure, I thought I would make a few of my own that have to do with my fluency (or lack thereof). There are many things about myself I'd like to change with regard to how I respond to my own stutter, so let's go:

1. I resolve to get less annoyed with myself when I block. Instead of kicking the nearest small animal...I promise to only shake my fist and yell at it until it runs away or urinates spontaneously.

2. I resolve to become less annoyed at others when they don't realize I'm a stutterer and immediately repeat my stutter back to me, laughing. From now on, instead of burning down their house, I will only paint it pea green while they are sleeping.

3. I resolve to become less annoyed when someone I know says, "Try talking slower," when I am having a block. Slower. Wonderful, Einstein. Now we get to hear my stutter at a glacial pace. It's the gift that keeps on giving! THANKS!!!!

4. I resolve to refrain from physically assaulting others who minimize my stutter by saying, "Oh, we all stutter now and then. I'm just like you!" From now on, I'll just target their elderly grandmothers. They don't run as fast.

(Isn't this is fun!?)

5. I resolve to refrain from wishing that all of the employees of the gargantuantly over-priced fluency device manufacturering companies would burn to death in a bizarre microwave accident in the break room. I mean, heck, they can't help it if their pompous, rich, self-important opportunistic crack-pot wannabe doctor bosses inflate their prices so only the rich can benefit from their devices (which, let's be perfectly honest, probably don't work anyway.). Except for that Fluency Master. That probably works. But, at $4,000 a pop...who can afford it?

6. I resolve to stop tracing the calls of all of the customer service boneheads who become impatient with me on the phone by sighing heavily or cutting me off or hanging up. From now on, instead of stalking their children and threatening them with slow, painful and unusually cruel death, I will only force them to watch I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter commercials starring Fabio.

7. I resolve to stop doing immediate, spontaneous, rapid dental reconstruction work on idiots who ask me to repeat myself after it was so difficult to say it the first time. Instead, I'll just wrestle them to the floor and dig out their ears with Q-tips until they can sufficiently hear me the first time. "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW???? GOOOOOOOOD!!"

8. I resolve to refrain from kicking the feet out from under people who complete my sentences for me. Yes, even small children. Instead, I'll just laugh as hard as I can, point at them and scream, "NO!! That is NOT what I was going to say!! You thought I was going to say THAT?? HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR!! What a MAROOON! Get a load of THIS idiot!!?!"

9. I resolve to become less irriated at people who put their hand on my shoulder when I have a block and say, "It's okay. Just let it out." Instead, from now on, I'll look at them, smile and say, "Aw, thanks," then vomit down the front of their shirt.

10. I resolve not to do any of the resolutions on this list. Well, except for maybe 4 and 9. :)

Finding New Blogs

While in the process of reading user comments that I've missed to some of my older posts, I've discovered a whole slew of new blogs and websites. You can view some of them in my list of links in the left-hand column. I enjoy other people's blogs...reading of their most personal stuttering experiences, ones they don't mind sharing, and also getting insight into how they think and how they feel about their own experience. I also like it when they come up with interesting titles to their blog. "My Stupid Mouth" is particularly good and would make a great title for a book on stuttering. I enjoyed his recent post about using the telephone and how it is a symbol of fear and frustration for most stutterers.

I also enjoyed his recent post on Celebrity Stutterers...and I share some of his thoughts. I have been somewhat skeptical of the exhaustive lists of famous stutterers, wondering if some of them had or have a stutter that is what most of us chronic stutterers know of as a "stuttering problem". Most of us have had many people tell us, after finding out that we stutter, that they stutter as well...as most people do (they say). Well, we know that that is bunk. What these people are talking about are moments of dysfluency...the sort that everyone has now and again. This is not true stuttering, however. I believe that they say this to us in order to make us feel better. In reality, however, this statement serves to diminish or trivialize what is a very real and debilitating affliction.

It's not that we want to revel in the affliction. It's that we want it taken seriously. Everyone in the world stumbles and trips over their feet now and then. But, wouldn't it be silly to say that it makes us crippled or handicap?

Thinking of Writing a Book

Yes, I've been out of my own loop, doing other projects that have needed my attention, but I sincerely want to re-focus my attention on this blog. Thanks for all who have been commenting on my posts...I promise to respond to them all. Also, if you've linked to me and then informed me that you did so, asking for a reciprocation: you will get it. Thank you.

I'm in the process of outlining an idea for a book on stuttering. It will not be an academic work, since I have no credentials for such a thing. Rather, it will be somewhat of a guide for non-stutters. I was talking with a friend recently about my stuttering and about some common reactions I get from people in general. Some of them are humorous...most of them are the result of ignorance on the experience of stuttering and what we go through.

My friend said that such a book would be interesting and had the potential for being entertaining and even humorous. I am a writer by trade, though the professional writing I have done is not related to the endeavor of writing a book. I find the prospect very appealing, however, so I will embark on the journey and see where it takes me.

I do have a "rambling satire" blog that I maintain and even had it transformed into a book ("Blook") for the Lulu Blook Contest. The book and the blog is entitled, "Don't Read This". I would explain what rambling satire is, but it is probably best explained by simply reading some of the meandering entries for yourself, linked below:

Don't Read This

Anyway, I am back and hopefully I'll be able to relay some recent insights I've had about my stuttering, as well as some of my more recent experiences.

Outing A Stutterer?

Of course, I'd never do it, but I went to a musical concert of a semi-famous hammered dulcimer player whom I have admired for 5 years (he's only famous in HD circles)...and between songs, he had a very obvious stutter, but it was ONLY obvious to me. He used virtually every trick I use...word swapping...feigned introspection...pretending to get tongue tied...and it was so obvious to me, I was embarrassed for him, even though there was no reason to be. I guess it just brought out my own self-loathing for stuttering.

Anyway, I was very tempted to approach him after and ask him if he was a stutterer...but I had no idea how he felt about it or if he might even become defensive....or flat out deny it. I did not approach him, however, and it was mainly due to the fear that I'd stutter in front of him and then we'd both feel terribly awkward.

Anyway, do you think there is anything ethically wrong with me posting this here and then giving a link to his main website? I have no idea.

Been Awhile

But, I'm still here. Focusing on law school has been stressful and considering our company was "hostilly" taken over, I've been a bit pre-occupied...and perhaps that has been to blame for my downward trend of fluency. I'm going through a frustrating phase right now where I rarely find a fluent moment in casual conversation and most of my tricks aren't helping me out. My son finds it funny sometimes. I don't.

Typical conversation with him:

Him: What time are we supposed to be at the studio today?
Me: Travis called and said we should be there by (attempts a trick to save the word "five"...doesn't work)...he said to be there by...by...by...by...*sigh*....*expletive*...FIVE THIRTY!!!

The cuss word usually helps, interestingly enough, but I don't think I'll advocate that method since it's not conducive for normal, social behavior. :)

Recently, my blocks are getting *stronger* and less responsive to my usual tricks...the ones that used to fool people into thinking I'm fluent. You can read older posts to see what those are.

Anyway, I have a huge exam coming up in June, my son will be starting high school this fall, GAS PRICES ARE SKY HIGH, and work is a bit above the stressful line, so maybe this is all converging to cause me greater difficulty at the moment. I'm sure I'll have a downward trend and become more fluent over time. It always comes and goes in cycles like this.

Changed My Mind

I am back. I like the blog and I like to have met the friends I've met thus far. Instead of leaving altogether, I'll just say that I won't be posting quite as much.

Thanks for the encouragement, John.

Taking Time Off

I'm giving the blog a rest for a while...I have to focus on my 2nd year of law school. Good luck!