2007 Resolutions

Ordinarily, people make New Year's Resolutions that have to do with improving their character...refraining from some not-so-healthy activity...or accomplishing some long-since-abandoned task or responsibility that continues to bug them from time to time.

Given that this blog is about stuttering and the experiences I(we) endure, I thought I would make a few of my own that have to do with my fluency (or lack thereof). There are many things about myself I'd like to change with regard to how I respond to my own stutter, so let's go:

1. I resolve to get less annoyed with myself when I block. Instead of kicking the nearest small animal...I promise to only shake my fist and yell at it until it runs away or urinates spontaneously.

2. I resolve to become less annoyed at others when they don't realize I'm a stutterer and immediately repeat my stutter back to me, laughing. From now on, instead of burning down their house, I will only paint it pea green while they are sleeping.

3. I resolve to become less annoyed when someone I know says, "Try talking slower," when I am having a block. Slower. Wonderful, Einstein. Now we get to hear my stutter at a glacial pace. It's the gift that keeps on giving! THANKS!!!!

4. I resolve to refrain from physically assaulting others who minimize my stutter by saying, "Oh, we all stutter now and then. I'm just like you!" From now on, I'll just target their elderly grandmothers. They don't run as fast.

(Isn't this is fun!?)

5. I resolve to refrain from wishing that all of the employees of the gargantuantly over-priced fluency device manufacturering companies would burn to death in a bizarre microwave accident in the break room. I mean, heck, they can't help it if their pompous, rich, self-important opportunistic crack-pot wannabe doctor bosses inflate their prices so only the rich can benefit from their devices (which, let's be perfectly honest, probably don't work anyway.). Except for that Fluency Master. That probably works. But, at $4,000 a pop...who can afford it?

6. I resolve to stop tracing the calls of all of the customer service boneheads who become impatient with me on the phone by sighing heavily or cutting me off or hanging up. From now on, instead of stalking their children and threatening them with slow, painful and unusually cruel death, I will only force them to watch I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter commercials starring Fabio.

7. I resolve to stop doing immediate, spontaneous, rapid dental reconstruction work on idiots who ask me to repeat myself after it was so difficult to say it the first time. Instead, I'll just wrestle them to the floor and dig out their ears with Q-tips until they can sufficiently hear me the first time. "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW???? GOOOOOOOOD!!"

8. I resolve to refrain from kicking the feet out from under people who complete my sentences for me. Yes, even small children. Instead, I'll just laugh as hard as I can, point at them and scream, "NO!! That is NOT what I was going to say!! You thought I was going to say THAT?? HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR!! What a MAROOON! Get a load of THIS idiot!!?!"

9. I resolve to become less irriated at people who put their hand on my shoulder when I have a block and say, "It's okay. Just let it out." Instead, from now on, I'll look at them, smile and say, "Aw, thanks," then vomit down the front of their shirt.

10. I resolve not to do any of the resolutions on this list. Well, except for maybe 4 and 9. :)