I'm An Outlaw Stutterer!

Are all police officers morons or is it just in America? So, I'm pulled over for an alleged minor traffic violation...I didn't come to a full stop in a residential stop sign...and this burly cop with too much after-shave an over-sized neck knocks on my window. He was wearing Ray Ban sun-glasses, which I think are standard issue in California. Apparently, they think it's cool...as if wearing fashionable sunglasses will make up for the fact that they all look like idiots with more gadgets attached around their belt than Batman.

So, I roll down the window and he asks me if I know what I'm being pulled over for...like I'm on a game show or something and if I answer correctly I win a prize. I noticed that he had beefy forearms that would rival those of Popeye...which I found hilarious. He obviously spent a considerable amount of time in the gym, working on those formidable appendages. I thought about telling him that perhaps he ought to have spent some of that valuable time working on the area just below his chest and right above his belt...but since his ego is probably directly proportional to the size of his gut, I didn't risk the remark.

I answered that I did know...and he proceeded to give me a truncated seminar about the dangers of rolling through stop signs. Apparently there is some kind of out-of-control epidemic of old ladies and school children being mowed down by cars traveling at the outrageous speed of 2 miles an hour.

He then asked me where I was headed and I hesitated in my answer, facing a particular nasty stuttering block...and right away...he jumped to the conclusion that I was either lying or hiding something...or maybe drunk. Or all three. I finally said that I was headed home. He asked me if I was sure, since I hesitated and I told him I was a stutterer. I'm guessing that they teach pharmacology at the police academy, because he then asked the brilliant question, "Are you taking medication for that?"...like this was relevant, as if an over-dose of some stuttering medication causes people to commit minor traffic violations.

I wanted to ask him if he was taking his daily idiot pill, but instead just said that I wasn't. He then walked to the back of my SUV and peered in the rear window, presumably looking for bodies or automatic weapons or something equally dramatic. I think he was disappointed to only find my work-out clothes and a case of bottled water because he came back to my window and asked me for my driver's license and proof of insurance. "Is this your vehicle, sir?"

No, it belongs to my pimp, you pinhead.

"Yes, and it's paid for, as well." That was a lie, but since my current monthly payment was already made, I figured I could squeak by on a technicality if it came up as an issue at my criminal trial.

I lucked out, though, because he let me off with a warning and a final few words on the dangers of violating traffic laws...and then he sombered back to his cruiser and drove away.

I've never been accused of lying or being drunk because of my stutter...so I thought the entire incident was a bit amusing.