Habit or Neurology?

I may have posted about this before, I can't really remember. There are times in my day when I am completely fluent. I do not use fluency tricks, I don't block, I don't struggle with certain consonants or words...everything works just as it should and I sound like a perfectly fluent individual.

Does this indicate that I have the capacity to be completely fluent 100% of the time? During those 100% fluent times, am I tapping into an ability to be completely stutter free? If I can EVER be completely fluent, does this mean I have the ability to *always* be fluent?

Let's break it down. If I find that I have a period of time of about 3 minutes in the day where I am completely fluent without using any "tricks" to be so...what is going on during those 3 minutes? Have I broken my stuttering habits for that 3 minutes...or is it that, suddenly, for whatever reason, the basal ganglia is properly working with the rest of my brain?

It is a frustrating idea that I am exploring here because there are times when I am completely fluent and those fleeting times make me think that I can be fluent all of the time. I just have to tap into whatever is happening during those fluent times so that whatever is happening...will happen ALL  the time.

How much of my stuttering is 100% habit and how much is 100% neurology?

Someone once asked me to tell them what the experience of stuttering is like, and this is the best analogy I could think of: Imagine that when you are walking down the street, you suddenly lose the ability to put one foot in front of the other, and you suddenly start stumbling...but it only last for 5 steps...and then you can suddenly walk normally again. What made you lose the ability for those 5 steps? You have no idea! What was different during those 5 steps? You have no explanation...it's just that, suddenly, without warning and for no apparent reason...you lose the natural ability to put one foot in front of the other.

That is what stuttering is like to me. So, if I can be fluent for 3 minutes...does this indicate that I have the capacity to be fluent most or all of the time? I suppose there is no simple answer. It is probably the case that part of it is habit and part of it is neurological and I lack the ability to determine the proportions on my own.

What do you think?

Pagoclone...When will it be available? Ever?

This video below cites a 55% effectiveness rate for users and the video shows a dramatic decrease in the stuttering of the subject in question. I recently did research online and read an entry by Tom Weidig (from The Stuttering Brain Blog) on Wellsphere that didn't give me much hope. The trials are ended, the results were less than expected and, thus, it seems Pagoclone probably won't be available in the foreseeable future.

Video: Stuttering: Neuropharmacological Improvement

While I am no scientist and do not understand all of the trappings that surround and ramifications that result from such trials, it is somewhat frustrating that, even though the drug has been very effective for some and there are virtually no detrimental side effects that they can determine...the larger results determine the availability of the drug. So, for those who might greatly benefit from the drug...they are out of luck. Too bad.

I know that the following analogy will be far less than perfect, but it is similar, in my opinion, to the effects of melatonin. For many, it tremendously helps them to fall asleep at night. But, what if the FDA in the United States banned the supplement for resale simply because no empirical study shows it to be effective? That result would be unfair to those who benefit from melatonin.

Some 3 million individuals in the United States alone suffer from stuttering/stammering and, worlwide, about 1% of the global population stutters. We should all be given a chance to experience the possible beneficial effects of Pagoclone...even if it doesn't work for everybody.

Scientific progress can be frustratingly slow. Grrrr!

Headed for Neurology!

I recently obtained a new primary family physician since moving to the east coast and I have to say that I am very pleased with the recommended doctor I chose. The front desk people could be a little less terse, however. There are few things worse than hearing a person say, "Can I help you?" when you completely get the idea from the look upon their face that they truly have no interest in helping you. Is keying a rude person's car illegal? Just wondering.

One of the reasons I needed to get a primary is that my prescription for Propranolol was nearly gone and I needed a refill. For those unaware, I was diagnosed with Essential Tremor (sometimes called familial tremor) nearly 7 years ago and I take the medication for the tremors in my arms. Propranolol is actually a blood pressure medication, but taken at lower doses, has a wonderful suppressing effect on the type of tremors associated with Essential Tremor. Unlike those suffering from Parkinson's Disease, the tremors associated with ET are experienced while undertaking activity rather than at rest. For example, on a bad day, I have trouble holding a bowl of food with one hand and eating with another. The bowl will slosh around and I can hardly get a bite to my mouth. Thank you, Universe. Now, not only can I not say 5 words in a row without feeling like moron, now I have the added pleasure of rattling around like a spastic asshole, as well. Ah, life! ;P

Compared to many chronic ET sufferers, my tremor is very manageable. In fact, unless I'm doing a specific activity, nobody can even tell. And for the times when people could tell (in meetings, for example, when I had to handle and read documents), many assumed I was suffering from some kind of alcohol withdrawal or something similar. How embarrassing, right? "No, they aren't DT's. I don't drink! Really! What do you mean will I agree to a blood test??"

I had stopped taking the medication for about two years because I felt confident that the affliction wasn't affecting my life all that much (plus, I hate taking pills of any kind), but then around 2008, I began to notice pressure and mild pain in both of my shoulder joints. For lack of a better description, at times it felt as if there were air bubbles in my shoulder that would rapidly grow and then pop. At times, it felt as if my shoulders were going to pop out of joint, but it wasn't exactly painful. Just a feeling. Sometimes it felt like I had no control over my arms, if I were to undertake some action, like picking up a piece of paper or passing the crack pipe. Just little, normal things like that. So, I decided to start taking the drug again.

The good thing about Propranolol, aside from how it helps me, is that, at this low dosage, it has virtually no side effects. No liver impact, barely any drowsiness...in fact, aside from the fact that my arms feel perfectly normal, I can't even tell that I am taking anything at all. I like that.

At any rate, my new doc has scheduled me to see a new neurologist to give me a new batter of tests to assess my tremor...but, also to see what he might say about stuttering treatment. I mentioned the new drug Paglocone to him, but he has never heard of it. No big surprise there. I think I read recently that the trials for Paglogocone were ended and aren't scheduled to start up again, so we'll see how that goes. I don't know what other meds they try for stuttering, but I would be interested to try something...just because I've never tried medications for it before. I'll keep you informed of what the neurologist says.

I hope everyone's 2011 is going well. Don't forget to turn your clocks ahead tomorrow night!

Meet Bobby - A New Blogger

I love it when new comments come in on my blog posts because it gives me the chance to meet new stutterers and gives me greater insight to our community and just who is a part of it. Meet the author of the new stuttering blog Stutter Step.

What do I know about Bobby? Not much, admittedly, except that he is a professional software developer, that he loves his Dad, and that he is a good writer. I hope he will continue his blogging...it seems he has just started this year. I particularly enjoyed his two most recent posts, a review of the tremendous film, "The King's Speech" and his list of favorite celebrity stutterers. James Earl Jones, as Bobby relates, is indeed very intriguing because, although a former stutter, his most famous claim to fame is his VOICE WORK. The last line in the entry about Bruce Willis made me laugh.

I hope you check him out...his blog entries are really easy to read...nothing too heavy...you get pretty quickly that he loves life and doesn't let his stutter hinder his love for life. Good for him. We could all take a lesson.

Funny what you can pick up about a person just from what they write. :)

Welcome, Bobby!!

Stuttering Michael Jackson Impersonator

I am a double threat. I am a stutterer and I love Michael Jackson. I was browsing through YouTube this afternoon and I came across this 12-year-old boy from Turkey who does a spot on Michael Jackson dance impersonation...but, before he dances, he speaks...and you can't help but notice that he has a pronounced stutter. God bless those youngsters who do not let their stutter/stammer stop them from doing what they love to do. Going on live television is hard enough...to do so with as a stutter/stammer must be even harder. That kid has talent!

Stuttering Advice

I was contacted recently by a very loving and caring mother of a primary school child who asked my opinion about some concerns she has with her son's speech. With her permission, I am posting our exchange here for your review. Keep in mind, these are only my opinions and she is aware of that. Feel free to leave your own comments about her questions or about the opinions that I have offered to her.

Hi Tony,

My son has been stuttering on and off since age 2 1/2 (he's 5 now)  I keep thinking he's growing out of it and then it starts to get worse again.  Then things smooth out .  Frustrating to say the least.  I have been contemplating speech therapy for a long time, but have some fears surrounding that.  He currently doesn't seem bothered by his speech so we haven't even talked with him about it yet.  He is a shy, quiet kid in kindergarten so his teacher hasn't even notice a stutter yet.  I kind of think he is being quiet because it's hard for him to talk sometimes.  Yesterday he didn't want to do Show and Tell.  I don't know if that is because he was feeling shy and anxious or couldn't/ wouldn't talk.  What are your thoughts on speech therapy for a 5 year old?  How can I take him to weekly speech therapy sessions to try and improve his speech, while at the same time let him know it's ok to stutter?  My Dad has stuttered his whole life and didn't like going to speech therapy.  Same for a cousin who stutters.  Everything I read about stuttering says early intervention is best, but I am still scared.  What do you reccomend?

Thanks for your blog!

Very Sincerely,

Karen

My response:

Hi, Karen! Thanks for writing to me!

In my non professional opinion, I think (generally) 5 years of age is too young for speech therapy. My reasoning is that, if he isn't aware of it yet and it isn't impeding him, I think therapy would make him suddenly aware of the stutter and would greatly lend to him developing a complex about it and could easily lead to low self esteem. I would definitely wait until it actually becomes a problem. For example, when he begins to complain about it or he seems impeded in academics or socially or when other kids begin teasing him.

Also, consider that it might disappear on its own! Given that speech therapy does little to stop or end stuttering, he would be okay either way. In my experience, research and opinion, speech therapy mostly only helps the stutterer become more comfortable with being a stutterer. In my case and for the many years I went through therapy as a child, it didn't noticeably help at all. If there was improvement, it was indiscernible by me.

Lastly, and if I am preaching to the choir, forgive me, often parents take on the burden of their child's perceived problem and in their zeal to rescue them, they do too much for the child, things that aren't necessary. Stuttering hasn't impeded my life in any measurable way (thought it does for those with a chronic stutter). It has only caused internal frustration and low self esteem problems as a child. Without stuttering, however, your child will still face internal frustrations for other things and, for some reason, we all face a measure of low self esteem for one reason or other. Stuttering will likely not ruin his life and, conversely, not having a stutter doesn't guarantee that he will be successful or happy. True happiness is achieved by accepting what you have been given and refusing to be a victim. :)

I offer this just as friendly advice. The best you can do for him is to let him be a child and just keep an eye out on his social and academic development. If there is a problem, you will either notice in due time or maybe his teachers will alert you to the problem. Until then, I would say it is not yet a problem and that is a good thing!

I hope to hear from you in the future on his progress! Good luck to you and to him and May All Good Things Come To You. :)

Bright Blessings
Tony

(I will post the follow up emails soon!)

iPhone App: DAF Assistant

I refuse to shell out $4000 for the SpeechEasy, not only because it's far too expensive, but also because there is strong evidence that the device's beneficial effects eventually wear off for most of those who use it. The strongest piece of anecdotal evidence comes from that of Mark, a young man whose life was initially changed by SpeechEasy as he was thrust into instant fame by being featured on American national television on The Today Show and Oprah Winfrey (I believe). It seems that the American media was a bit hasty, however, because, to hear Mark tell it, the effects of the device began to rapidly decline until it had virtually no effect at all. He spent a fair amount of time in a depression because of the experience...thankfully, however, he eventually recovered and is now in grad school, I think. You can check out his blog in the link above.

Despite this, I was still curious, if for no other reason, because I wanted to see if the device would work for me, even if only initially, and because I wanted to feel what it is like to be fluent.

It seems Apple has come up with the solution for this. Well, not Apple, but an application designer named ARTEFACT, LLC. The application is sold in iTunes and is called DAF Assistant ($9.99!). Essentially, it operates exactly like The SpeechEasy device, absent the carefully and personally-tailored ear piece. The application offers Audio Delay from 20-320 milliseconds and Frequency Shift from tones ranging from -10 to +10 (half octave down to half octave up). You can use the application with either Bluetooth headset or a simple headset with a built-in microphone. I don't recommend the type of headset with an extended microphone, as you would look silly walking around with that on your head all day. Just buy the ones with the microphone built in to the cord that extends from the earphone itself. That way, you can even just use that one side of the earphones without having two earbuds in at the same time.

The intended effect is to "trick" the stutterer/stammerer into thinking that he or she is speaking in unison with somebody else because, for some stutterers, doing so virtually eliminates the stutter. That is the case for me. If I am reciting The Pledge of Allegiance or any other verse in unison with one or more persons, I will not stutter. Why is this so? I haven't the foggiest clue. *shrugs*

The application does work for me. When I placed the earbuds into my ears and launched the device, I immediately was able to speak freely to a friend of mine with hardly any stammering or blocks. It was a tremendous feeling and I kept talking nonstop for about 5 minutes. The small blocks I did have were almost inconsequential and I was able to get past them almost by sheer will. My settings are Delay of 140 and Frequency Shift of +3. I tried a few others and they worked nearly as well, so I can't say for sure which works the best.

The downside: As expected, not only do you hear your own voice with delayed feedback and frequency shift, but you hear everything else in the room (including your own typing) in the same manner. My friend tried it and said it would drive him crazy. It doesn't bother me all that much, simply because the benefit of fluency outweighs any noticeable distraction. If I am not talking, I do find the noise annoying, so I just take out the earbud or turn the application off. The only time I ever found it annoying (disturbing, actually) was when I suddenly laughed out loud in response to something my friend said and suddenly was subjected to a loud, high pitched, crazy-sounding laugh directly into my own ear. I immediately yanked out the earbud!

My own advice is to only use the application in instances where you will actively be participating in a conversation. If you are only going to speak occasionally, like when you are watching television with others...turn it off. The feedback will be distracting. Overall, I am very pleased with the results. The application is exceedingly inexpensive at just 99 cents and the results were/are immediate. And if they aren't for you...well, you've only lost ten bucks. :)

An Award & A Difficult Academic Task

Apparently, my blog was one of 10 winners for the 2010 Top Stuttering Stammering Blogs (see the badge in the right-hand column). You can read about who hosts this selection at at this link here. I really do appreciate those who voted for this blog, appreciate the organization who sponsors the yearly distinction, and certainly am humbled to be included with my fellow bloggers on that list, most with whom I have become familiar over the years of maintaining this blog. To be listed right below Tom Weidig is a true honor, given the time and tremendous work he expends every year in the study of stammering and given his impressive academic credentials. You may have read before that he and I had the chance to sit and talk in a coffee house in San Diego a few years ago. He is just as charming in person as he is in his writing. And just as passionate about the study of stammering/stuttering.

I am currently back in school again...yes, again (actually, I think I mentioned this already). It seems I have become addicted to being enrolled in school. Otherwise, I feel lazy and unproductive and I hate both of those things. For one of the courses I am required to take (Language and Communication) I was required to develop a thesis statement and then provide research and an outline for a live presentation of my subject and thesis, write an APA-formatted outline, at least one visual aid, and then I was required to VIDEO TAPE the presentation without editing and have at least one person in the audience ask 2-3 questions at the end, followed by my answers.

Let me start by saying that I am a very comfortable public speaker. I am most fluent when I am at a podium or if there is a microphone in my hand. I facilitate many psychoeducational groups at work with at least 10-15 teenagers in attendance. Most of my groups are educational in nature and consist of me lecturing and asking questions of the teens. I feel most comfortable, speaking-wise, when I am in front of an audience. Unless...unless...unless...there is a camcorder running and it is being recorded. Then, I turn into a stuttering, fumbling, sweaty-palmed jackass. And that is what happened with this project. It took me 5 times to finally get all the way through it. Each of the four times, I would get nearly through the presentation and then suddenly, I would block irrevocably and I would just turn the camera off because I can't bear the thought of my college instructors seeing how I look when I stutter. Further, I have no desire to immortalize such an event on film, digital or otherwise.

Ultimately, I was able to get through it, with stuttering, and decided that, since it was a required part of the course, I had no choice but to live with it. I did let the graders know of my stuttering condition, however, and informed them that the stuttering was unavoidable and that I sincerely hoped I would not be penalized for it, grade-wise. Turns out, I was not. I passed the task and was told the work was excellent.

What stands out in my mind, however, about this event is how traumatized I felt after each failed attempt. My hands were sweaty and shaking, I was depressed, embarrassed with myself and felt like a complete failure. After the second try, I was almost ready to give up on the prospect of even trying again. I literally felt very invaded and traumatized. I felt like I was being forced to put my disability on display for others to view and that is a horrible, terrible feeling.

Okay, I'm done being a victim. :)

Stuttering can be a real pain in the arse at times!

Teaching?

I am currently employed as a counselor for teenagers in a children's crisis hospital. I deal daily with teenagers with various conditions such as autism, pychotic tendencies, suicidal ideation, self-injurious behaviors, violent acting out, mental retardation, past sexual or physical abuse, post traumatic stress disorder and a host of others. It is a very fulfilling vocation, but one that can also be very stressful and even sometimes dangerous.

I am back in school, however, and am currently working on my teaching credential which will allow me to be licensed to teach K-8th grade. It's an interdisciplinary degree program, which will qualify me to teach all subjects to primary-school-aged children.

I may a post just recently about masking my stutter using various tricks I have learned over the years. They allow me to successful counsel with the teenagers at work with little or no evidence at all that I stutter. They don't always work and, in fact, one teenager called me out for stuttering during a group session I was conducting just two days ago. I announced to the group that, yes, I did just stutter and that I have a persistent developmental stutter that I deal with on a daily basis. Most of them were surprised to hear me say that and expressed that I do not appear to stutter. Well, yeah. That's the point.

As an aspiring teacher, how successful do you think I would be landing a job as a primary school teacher if, during the interview, I found myself unable to say 3-5 words in a row without stuttering? What school would hire someone with that kind of speaking disability? How effective of a teacher would one be if he or she was unable to speak fluently to a class of 20-25 small children? I don't have the answers to these questions...I am just thinking them aloud and am considering their existence, since it's something I would likely have to deal with if I did not employ my fluency "tricks".

Do I think that schools should discriminate against those who stammer? Of course, not. But, does that mean that they won't do so anyway? Again, of course, not. For more information about my position on this matter, please read the last entry. And, as usual, your comments are very welcome!

Is Stuttering Cool?

Recently a friend sent me a suggestion to "like" something on Facebook. It's a group called Stuttering Is Cool and from what I have read, it is at least partly about stuttering freely and even advertising that you have a stutter. Supposedly, for some, this takes the edge off of the stuttering dilemma, because now there is no pressure to talk like you think others think you should talk. You can just be yourself and the people that you are speaking to...can expect the stutter.

The problem I have with this is personal and in no way is being published here to malign that group or to oppose the work they are doing. It is just my opinion.

Firstly, I don't think that stuttering is cool. There. I said it. It's not cool. It sucks...and I won't pretend that it does anything else. I think that stuttering sucks in the same way that a dart to the head probably sucks. What if you had a foot that will sometimes step right where you want it to...but on numerous and often occasions, it steps completely in the wrong place? Would that be cool? What if the hand holding your fork only made it successfully to your mouth 3 out of 5 times? Would that be cool? What if your eyes failed you more often than they assisted you? Or your hearing? Or your legs? Would that be cool?

No. That would certainly not be cool. That would suck. And it would suck hard.

What is cool is that I have successfully developed avoidance techniques that help me to avoid stuttering...and they are successful to the point that most people who don't spend a lot of time with me, do not know that I stutter. "But, Tony, why would you care what strangers think of you?"

Good question! Well...not really. I don't care what they think of me. I care about how my stuttering makes ME feel. Not them. If I am ever on the phone with my son and I find fluency to be fleeting and I stutter through our conversation (my techniques don't work much on the phone), I become frustrated and my son always tries to help by saying something he thinks is helpful...like, "Dad, it doesn't bother me!" What he doesn't realize is that I'm not frustrated because I think I am bothering him--it's not about him--it's about ME. I am frustrated because I can't do what most of the world can do without thinking about it: TALK.

I understand what Stuttering Is Cool is trying to do...and I think it's a worthy cause. They are taking the sting out of stuttering by putting it out front and talking about it. They are turning it around to make it something positive instead of something negative. They are psychologically disarming the stutter so that it's no longer an enemy....but a friend.

But, I don't want stuttering to be my friend. If it were my friend, it would let me talk. I don't have a single friend out there who would purposely trip me or push me down or lock up my mouth so that I can't say three words in a row without elevated anxiety levels. That's not a friend. That's an enemy...and a diabolical one who deserves to have shit-balls launched at his head.

My avoidance techniques...or "tricks" as I refer to them...are my friends. They allow me to be confident in most situations. They help me to sound like I want to sound. They support my desire to feel good about myself and they also help me to do so. That sounds more like a friend to me.

I know there will be comments from those who support advertising our stutter...I'm just not of those people. It's just not for me. My son was born with a club foot. He had five surgeries...one a year for the first five years of his life. The deformity has been corrected and he can pretty much walk like anyone else, but he also has to wear a lift in his shoe so that he doesn't have a limp. The lift enables him to APPEAR like everyone else in the walking community.

That's what my tricks do for me. They make it so I can sound like everyone else who can speak without really thinking about it. Is that so wrong? Is it wrong to want to sound and feel like everyone else? If so, leave a comment. I will consider it. And...as usual...thanks for reading. :)

"Prove to me that you stutter!"

Would any of you ask a person in a wheelchair to stand up and attempt to walk across the room so that you can actually see that the person is crippled? Would you ask a self-proclaimed diabetic to skip an insulin injection so that you could personally verify their medical condition? Would you throw a frisbee to a person who claims to be blind so that you could verify if they actually are visually impaired?

Some time ago, I put up a video on my YouTube channel titled, "We Stutter". I did this so that I could explain how I achieved fluency in my YouTube videos and also so that I could reach out to other YouTube users who might also suffer from a Persistent Developmental Stutter. If you watch my videos, you will rarely see any stuttering. That is because I edit the stuttering completely out of the videos and what results is a video rant that is fast, closely edited and appears to be the ramblings of a person on high doses of caffeine. That was my goal. It is my way of being able to partake in an activity that would otherwise be impossible to do with any real fluency.

Mostly, I have received positive responses to the video, and most of those come from fellow stutterers/stammerers. But, I've noticed that there are some people who don't believe that I actually stutter and some of them have sent me private messages to this effect and have asked me to send them video files of me stuttering…so that they can personally verify that I am actually a stutterer. I find this to be more than just a little rude and presumptuous. One guy accused me of riding on the backs of stutterers to achieve success or fame.

Success or fame? FIRST of all, that video is the ONLY video I've ever made about stuttering. You would have to search to even find it. It's buried under more than a hundred more videos that I have filmed since.

SECOND, what kind of fame would I possibly be attempting to achieve? I've never seen a person achieve YouTube success (or any other kind, for that matter) by virtue of a stutter. My "fame" on YouTube has come about by my regular comedy videos…not from some public service announcement about stuttering. That video has gotten just over 33,000 views, so I'm not earning any significant amount of ad revenue from it.

In the video, I explain exactly how I achieve fluency in my videos and I also explain exactly why I made the video. It had nothing at all to do with fame or money. The video was made long before I become a YouTube partner, so most of the views haven't earned me one cent.

I made the video because I think it is important for all of us to highlight our personal achievements as stutterers so that we can instill even a small amount of hope, inspiration and pride in ourselves as we struggle through our daily lives with stuttering. If that has been achieved for even one viewer (and it HAS)…then I am pleased with the effort. For the rest of you who don't believe me...you can so suck eggs. Yeah...I said it. :)

Petition: ASHA Needs to Actively Enforce its Code of Ethics

Please visit the link below to add read the petition to the ASHA (American Speech-Language-Hearing Association)...and then consider signing the petition. The ASHA has its own code of ethics regarding its members advertising "cures" for stuttering/stammering, yet they do not always enforce them. Currently, many ASHA members violate the code of ethics by making false/misleading claims regarding certain treatments and "cures". It is not simply an issue of "free speech". The FDA actively enforces the law regarding food and drug manufacturers making false or misleading claims...and so should the ASHA with regard to their own code of ethics and their Members.

By allowing these unsavory companies and individuals to thrive, the affliction of stuttering is mis-characterized, individuals are misled into thinking there is a "quick fix" for stuttering and the stutterers themselves are enticed to part with their money, only to be left feeling as if they failed when the "cure" didn't work for them. If you, as an individual business owner, marketed a "pill" or supplement that you claim can cure diabetes, you would quickly face the wrath of the Food and Drug Administration. And rightly so. Consumers need to be protected from individuals peddling "snake oils" to cure or treat debilitating medical, psychological or physiological conditions.

Some might regard this issue as merely one of "buyer beware", but this is a terribly careless position to take, in my opinion, because it entirely ignores the ASHA code of ethics, firstly; secondly, society (and the FDA) does not tolerate similar standards with regard to food or drug manufacturers who make curative claims. We need to stand together as a community to send a message to the ASHA. Please consider standing together with me by clicking the link below, reading and then signing the petition.

ASHA Needs to Actively Enforce its Code of Ethics

It's Frustrating!

I was at a friend's house yesterday, a very talented Animal Communicator/Psychic and this is a person I see on a regular basis each week. We are very good friends and share books, life stories, give each other advice, etc. Yet, yesterday at her house, I struggled horribly with being fluent. I also work with this lady and rarely do I stutter in my professional setting. Suddenly, however, for some mysterious reason, I couldn't say five words in a row without a major block...and my usual tricks to avoid stuttering all seemed to fail.

Maybe it was the unfamiliar setting? I have never been to visit her and her husband at their house before, so maybe that put me on edge a little. Who knows? She knows that I am a stutterer and reacts wonderfully to it, never trying to complete my sentences or even mentioning the stutter at all. Still, I felt like a huge idiot.

No matter how many times you tell yourself that stuttering doesn't determine your intelligence and shouldn't affect your value or how you feel about yourself, when days or incidents arise like this, I am virtually unable to convince myself that I don't appear to be a stuttering, stammering, dysfluent imbecile.

I hate days like that.

Sticks and Stones...Hurt Like Hell, Damn It!

As a young child, I wasn't the most brawny of kids. In fact, I was downright scrawny and wimpy. I was born 2 1/2 months early, weighed only a few small pounds and never really caught up. Because of my pint size, I was often the target of bullies. When I was in middle school, around 6-8th grade in the United States, I had the stature and build of a kid of no more than 9 or 10...even though I was 12-13 years of age. In the locker room after gym, all the kids stood at least a head or so above me.

Because of my small size, I wasn't too adept at physical confrontation. Redeeming myself and my good name through the use of "fisticuffs" wasn't my forte...never was and never will be. In my entire childhood, I was probably only engaged in two fights ever; one was with my brother and the other was with a kid in the 6th grade who wiped the school yard with my face.

While I wasn't adept at physical confrontation, I did learn early on that I could defend myself pretty well with my words. Despite my stutter, when I would become angry, I could give someone a hefty tongue lashing, so much so that I had a reputation for being fairly skilled at verbal put-downs and insults. It was my sole effective weapon, though not effective if the target of my verbal rampage decided to take things a step further. Then I would be at a decided disadvantage once again.

My verbal skill, while also somewhat of an advantage at choice times in my dealings with schoolyard peers, was also my biggest source of trouble at home. My mother was a strict disciplinarian and demanded respect and absolutely forbad "talking back" or "giving sass" to adults. But, I was unable to control my mouth, even with my parents, should we disagree over some thing or some issue. I would argue an issue, even if I was in the wrong, to the point of distraction and was a constant source of annoyance to my mom who, on more than one occasion, stated categorically that if given the chance, I would argue with Jesus Christ himself. But, that's just silly. Jesus is a Democrat. Why would I argue with Him?

I guess I am posting this because I find it somewhat ironic that I was gifted with a sharp tongue, but also with a bad stutter as a kid. As I said in an earlier entry, I also love sharp-witted comedy and would have loved to have been a stand-up comic...but for my annoying stutter. (And assuming I'm funny. My son says that I'm funny, but also says that looks aren't everything.)

Language is very important to me. I guess that's why I developed such a love for the written word. I can't speak it as eloquently as I write it...and the advantage of writing it is that it gives you time to carefully hone what you intend to say before you unleash it on the unwitting reader. I participate in online debate, have been frequenting the same debate forum for over a decade now. I am pretty damn good at it, but I think that's because I can think before I write and I always sound more eloquent than if I had to speak aloud what I want to say.

Is any of this your experience as well? As a stutterer, what dreams did you pass on because of the limitations of your speech, if any?

Another Money-Grubbing SCAM ARTIST

Meet "Orlene Robinson"...she was kind enough to leave a very encouraging comment on my "advertising my stutter" blog entry and then go about his merry way.

Wait, no she didn't!! She also left a link to "her" e-Book which promises, for the low, low price of just $39.99 ($17 if I ACT NOW!) to offer tips that will help you or your child find "tried and true" tips for overcoming his or her stammer! Check it out!

http://stutteringtips.com/

I love how these scammers offer a product that, by the picture, appears to be a huge, fancy looking textbook of some kind, but then turns out to be an internet e-book download. Why can't I have the book below that is pictured on the site?

I want this lovely, nice big green textbook! Why can't I have it? Hmm. Probably because it doesn't exist. If you click on the profile page of Orlene Robinson, you see she is a lovely woman who lives in Jamaica, loves reading the Bible, but, oddly, there isn't one piece of information, not one link to any blogs or websites that offer any information at all about stammering/stuttering. Why would that be? Look for yourself:

http://www.blogger.com/profile/04578448236449972616


I have a theory. If you find information that purports to help you with anything...on a website that forces you to scroll down endlessly while you read paragraph after paragraph of testimonials and unfounded scientific or medical claims...all while giving you NO INFORMATION at all about who is peddling the product or who is behind it...it's probably 100% garbage.

So, congratulations, Orlene...you are my newest SCAM ARTIST of the Day! How proud your parents must be.

Upward Fluency Trend

I'm experiencing an upward trend in fluency at work...and I'm enjoying it while it lasts. In the evenings, I usually avoid putting the kids on the phone with their parents because it requires calling the parents, identifying myself and then telling them they have a call from their kid. You'll remember not too long ago, I was posting on being on a downward trend and was avoiding the phone like the plague.

Last evening, I handled all the calls and only experienced a few difficult moments. And those were very minor and I would bet my left arm that the parent didn't even notice. During these times of fluency, I get a little taste of what it would be like to be completely fluent and it's really a liberating experience and a very refreshing change from the usual. It's easy to be tempted to think it will last...but I will try not to think about that right now. For however long it will last, I will just enjoy it.

Shut Up, Already!

I hope I don't get hate for this entry...but have any of you stutterers noticed many non-stuttering people who say so much but have so little to say? There is this lady at work, she is a new nurse on the unit and she is "shadowing" our supervisor nurse until she learns the ropes...and this woman, I swear, never shuts up. Every single little detail in her life is a long-winded anecdote to share with anyone who will listen.

Almost every time I found myself in the nurse's station, this woman was boring everyone with some goofy story about her kids or her husband or about her Border Collie or about her horses or about the last hospital she worked in...all sorts of stories that, by all appearances from those listening, nobody wanted to hear. I want to scream at her, "Lady, nobody cares that your husband has a hammer toe or that your horse responds to your emotions or that your toddler son is the next Einstein! Shut up, already!" Let's face it: most of our lives are boring to other people and unless some monumental event takes place or you can contribute to some conversation already taking place where your story might add something to the discussion...can't you please save your insufferable daily anecdotes for a blog?

I rarely talk at work unless I'm consulting with another counselor about the next group session or talking about what's next on the schedule. Oh, we exchange funny stories about the unit when we all sit down for a break or at the end of the day when we are doing reports or other paperwork. We might even update others on our lives, things that others already know. But, for the most part, probably because of my stutter, I don't bore people with my life story. Perhaps if I didn't have this stutter, I would...who knows? Pondering this...perhaps, then, having a stutter is somewhat of a blessing to others?

I am reminded of a classic scene from the John Hughes film, "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles".  The relevant portion comes at about 52 seconds.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q05p-5TWcj8

You May Know Mark...

A few years ago, I happened upon a segment of Oprah Winfrey that immediately caught my attention. The reason it caught my attention was that it was about stuttering. I don't watch Oprah on a regular basis. Ordinarily, because I am a stutterer myself, I find it difficult to watch television programs about stuttering and I'll avoid them at all cost. It's like a big mirror being erected before me and the last thing I usually want to do is to see and hear what I look and sound like when I stutter.

This segment was different, however. It was about the famed SpeechEasy device. If you aren't aware of this device, it's a tiny piece of expensive ($4000+) hardware that the adherent wears much like a hearing aid. It feeds auditory feedback to the listener in such a way as to "trick" the adherent into thinking that he is speaking in unison with another person. This act, like the device, usually produces instant fluency in stutterers. And for Mark, the focus of this Oprah segment, that is almost exactly what happened.

I could not find the Oprah Segment, but Mark was also featured on Good Morning America in 2002...same year. You can see the segment for yourself right here. Have some tissues handy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuO3DbnQjxE

The segment touched me very deeply...but it also sparked my imagination. My stutter isn't as severe as Mark's, but I still wanted the device terribly. After years of struggling through failed speech therapy, a childhood filled with taunts and bullies and daily struggles even to this day, finally here was a device that appeared to promise instant fluency. Is there a stutterer alive who wouldn't want this?

To my dismay, I learned that just the consultation visit was over $300. The device itself costs upwards of $4000. And it's not covered by insurance. That was far out of my budget constraints. I blogged about it some time later and some of my readers offered to take up a collection and donate so that I could afford it. Now I am glad I never took them up on that offer.

Like many professionals and researchers who have decades of experience with stuttering suspected, it seems the device is only a temporary cure. For many, like Mark, the effects of the device wear off pretty quickly. And many, like Mark, are left disillusioned, embarrassed, ashamed and they often blame themselves for the failure.

Today, from a link on a stuttering website, I found that Mark has a blog of his own. I am linking to his post about the SpeechEasy device, but you can navigate from that page to his current posts. I'm glad to hear and read that Mark is doing well, has overcome the disappointment and self-loathing he felt when the device failed him and he has gone on to finish his education, get married and is living a happy and productive life. His blog should be advertised more so people can approach devices like the SpeechEasy fully informed and so those who, like Mark, were failed by the device, can be assured that they aren't alone and they do not have to live a life, laboring under feelings of failure and disappointment. Good for you, Mark, and thank you for sharing your story.

Low Birth Weight?

I was reading an older post on The Stuttering Brain Blog this morning about a study that showed there was a correlation between low-birth rate and stuttering...unless I read it wrong, the study shows strong evidence that low birth weight can result in a 2-3 times greater risk for stuttering. Tom summarizes one point here:

"There is now clear empirical evidence that children in the lowest ranges of birth weight are twice to three times more likely to develop stuttering as compared to their normal-weight counterparts."

This is an interesting find for me because I was born 2.5 months premature and weighed less than three pounds at birth. Could that have increased my risk factor for stuttering? According to this study...yes. I was told that I began stuttering at around the age of three and that it appeared after I was taken from my mother and was sent to live with my grandmother. I was told I was so traumatized that I stopped talking altogether for about a month and then when I began talking again during therapy with a child psychologist, I had a severe stutter. Over the years, I have read that some people stutter because of a traumatic event. Sometimes people get into a car wreck and survive with a stutter. Because of those stories, I always just assumed the traumatic childhood event was the cause of my stutter.

This new study doesn't change my mind about that. The study just makes me believe that because of my low birth weight, perhaps I was already predisposed to stutter and the traumatic event just triggered it. I'm not a PhD like Tom, so I can't speak intelligently about such things. But, it's one idea.

Texting as an Alternative?

**First, let me thank my devoted readers, some of who have emailed me to encourage me to update my blog. Thank you. I'm sorry for the absence.**

Some months back, my son and I had a conversation about why I don't call him as much as he thinks I should. It's true that I hadn't called him much, but in my favor, I text him all the time. At least once a day to ask him how he is or to just say I love him or some other brief message. In his favor, we hadn't had a meaningful conversation in a while and I guess he was feeling that absence. I told him that I just wasn't comfortable talking much on the phone because it tires me out greatly and I avoid it as much as possible. The problem was, I was avoiding it to the point that it was affecting my relationship with him.

Sure, I have to suffer a little when I call him. I struggle with blocks and hesitations...and usually by the end of the conversation, I'm worn out mentally. But, is that a worth price to pay to maintain my close relationship with my son? Of course, it is. There is a part of me that believes that he doesn't understand just how taxing it is for me to undertake a phone conversation...but will his understanding change the fact that fewer phone conversations will harm our relationship? And if not...is it a good point? Probably not.

So, though I raised more than a few justifications for my lack of calling (or answering), at the end of the conversation, I had to admit that he was right. And that it was probably a good idea to just bite the bullet and call more often, even if it was difficult for me to do so.

Having said all of that, I must admit that, when my phone does ring and I see that it's him (or anyone)...I heave a big sigh and wish I hadn't heard it or that my phone was accidentally left in my car...but then I answer it anyway and, as usual, I struggle with fluency, become frustrated with the blocks and hesitations and wind up thinking at the end of the conversation that I surely must have come across as a stuttering, dysfluent asshole. I have a sneaky suspicion that it is not the way that I actually come across to those I speak to...but reality doesn't usually change how one feels, does it?

I still have bouts of self pity when I think about all of the people who use their phone all day long and enjoy lengthy conversations with loved ones and friends and wholly take for granted the ease with which they do all of this. But then I ultimately am pestered by my inner voice that scolds me, reminding me that I do not corner the market in pain and suffering and that millions of people struggle every day with all sorts of things, many of which are harder than what I have to go through. Blind people. Those suffering with missing limbs or barely-working limbs...people who are deaf...people who can't walk...people with Parkinson's Disease, Multiple Sclerosis...and many, many more.

In retrospect, I have to admit to myself that my struggle is minor when compared to so many others. And for that, I am grateful.

Incidentally, my son was recently accepted to Georgetown University with a full, four-year scholarship. I can't complain too much, I suppose. :)