Teaching?

I am currently employed as a counselor for teenagers in a children's crisis hospital. I deal daily with teenagers with various conditions such as autism, pychotic tendencies, suicidal ideation, self-injurious behaviors, violent acting out, mental retardation, past sexual or physical abuse, post traumatic stress disorder and a host of others. It is a very fulfilling vocation, but one that can also be very stressful and even sometimes dangerous.

I am back in school, however, and am currently working on my teaching credential which will allow me to be licensed to teach K-8th grade. It's an interdisciplinary degree program, which will qualify me to teach all subjects to primary-school-aged children.

I may a post just recently about masking my stutter using various tricks I have learned over the years. They allow me to successful counsel with the teenagers at work with little or no evidence at all that I stutter. They don't always work and, in fact, one teenager called me out for stuttering during a group session I was conducting just two days ago. I announced to the group that, yes, I did just stutter and that I have a persistent developmental stutter that I deal with on a daily basis. Most of them were surprised to hear me say that and expressed that I do not appear to stutter. Well, yeah. That's the point.

As an aspiring teacher, how successful do you think I would be landing a job as a primary school teacher if, during the interview, I found myself unable to say 3-5 words in a row without stuttering? What school would hire someone with that kind of speaking disability? How effective of a teacher would one be if he or she was unable to speak fluently to a class of 20-25 small children? I don't have the answers to these questions...I am just thinking them aloud and am considering their existence, since it's something I would likely have to deal with if I did not employ my fluency "tricks".

Do I think that schools should discriminate against those who stammer? Of course, not. But, does that mean that they won't do so anyway? Again, of course, not. For more information about my position on this matter, please read the last entry. And, as usual, your comments are very welcome!

Is Stuttering Cool?

Recently a friend sent me a suggestion to "like" something on Facebook. It's a group called Stuttering Is Cool and from what I have read, it is at least partly about stuttering freely and even advertising that you have a stutter. Supposedly, for some, this takes the edge off of the stuttering dilemma, because now there is no pressure to talk like you think others think you should talk. You can just be yourself and the people that you are speaking to...can expect the stutter.

The problem I have with this is personal and in no way is being published here to malign that group or to oppose the work they are doing. It is just my opinion.

Firstly, I don't think that stuttering is cool. There. I said it. It's not cool. It sucks...and I won't pretend that it does anything else. I think that stuttering sucks in the same way that a dart to the head probably sucks. What if you had a foot that will sometimes step right where you want it to...but on numerous and often occasions, it steps completely in the wrong place? Would that be cool? What if the hand holding your fork only made it successfully to your mouth 3 out of 5 times? Would that be cool? What if your eyes failed you more often than they assisted you? Or your hearing? Or your legs? Would that be cool?

No. That would certainly not be cool. That would suck. And it would suck hard.

What is cool is that I have successfully developed avoidance techniques that help me to avoid stuttering...and they are successful to the point that most people who don't spend a lot of time with me, do not know that I stutter. "But, Tony, why would you care what strangers think of you?"

Good question! Well...not really. I don't care what they think of me. I care about how my stuttering makes ME feel. Not them. If I am ever on the phone with my son and I find fluency to be fleeting and I stutter through our conversation (my techniques don't work much on the phone), I become frustrated and my son always tries to help by saying something he thinks is helpful...like, "Dad, it doesn't bother me!" What he doesn't realize is that I'm not frustrated because I think I am bothering him--it's not about him--it's about ME. I am frustrated because I can't do what most of the world can do without thinking about it: TALK.

I understand what Stuttering Is Cool is trying to do...and I think it's a worthy cause. They are taking the sting out of stuttering by putting it out front and talking about it. They are turning it around to make it something positive instead of something negative. They are psychologically disarming the stutter so that it's no longer an enemy....but a friend.

But, I don't want stuttering to be my friend. If it were my friend, it would let me talk. I don't have a single friend out there who would purposely trip me or push me down or lock up my mouth so that I can't say three words in a row without elevated anxiety levels. That's not a friend. That's an enemy...and a diabolical one who deserves to have shit-balls launched at his head.

My avoidance techniques...or "tricks" as I refer to them...are my friends. They allow me to be confident in most situations. They help me to sound like I want to sound. They support my desire to feel good about myself and they also help me to do so. That sounds more like a friend to me.

I know there will be comments from those who support advertising our stutter...I'm just not of those people. It's just not for me. My son was born with a club foot. He had five surgeries...one a year for the first five years of his life. The deformity has been corrected and he can pretty much walk like anyone else, but he also has to wear a lift in his shoe so that he doesn't have a limp. The lift enables him to APPEAR like everyone else in the walking community.

That's what my tricks do for me. They make it so I can sound like everyone else who can speak without really thinking about it. Is that so wrong? Is it wrong to want to sound and feel like everyone else? If so, leave a comment. I will consider it. And...as usual...thanks for reading. :)

"Prove to me that you stutter!"

Would any of you ask a person in a wheelchair to stand up and attempt to walk across the room so that you can actually see that the person is crippled? Would you ask a self-proclaimed diabetic to skip an insulin injection so that you could personally verify their medical condition? Would you throw a frisbee to a person who claims to be blind so that you could verify if they actually are visually impaired?

Some time ago, I put up a video on my YouTube channel titled, "We Stutter". I did this so that I could explain how I achieved fluency in my YouTube videos and also so that I could reach out to other YouTube users who might also suffer from a Persistent Developmental Stutter. If you watch my videos, you will rarely see any stuttering. That is because I edit the stuttering completely out of the videos and what results is a video rant that is fast, closely edited and appears to be the ramblings of a person on high doses of caffeine. That was my goal. It is my way of being able to partake in an activity that would otherwise be impossible to do with any real fluency.

Mostly, I have received positive responses to the video, and most of those come from fellow stutterers/stammerers. But, I've noticed that there are some people who don't believe that I actually stutter and some of them have sent me private messages to this effect and have asked me to send them video files of me stuttering…so that they can personally verify that I am actually a stutterer. I find this to be more than just a little rude and presumptuous. One guy accused me of riding on the backs of stutterers to achieve success or fame.

Success or fame? FIRST of all, that video is the ONLY video I've ever made about stuttering. You would have to search to even find it. It's buried under more than a hundred more videos that I have filmed since.

SECOND, what kind of fame would I possibly be attempting to achieve? I've never seen a person achieve YouTube success (or any other kind, for that matter) by virtue of a stutter. My "fame" on YouTube has come about by my regular comedy videos…not from some public service announcement about stuttering. That video has gotten just over 33,000 views, so I'm not earning any significant amount of ad revenue from it.

In the video, I explain exactly how I achieve fluency in my videos and I also explain exactly why I made the video. It had nothing at all to do with fame or money. The video was made long before I become a YouTube partner, so most of the views haven't earned me one cent.

I made the video because I think it is important for all of us to highlight our personal achievements as stutterers so that we can instill even a small amount of hope, inspiration and pride in ourselves as we struggle through our daily lives with stuttering. If that has been achieved for even one viewer (and it HAS)…then I am pleased with the effort. For the rest of you who don't believe me...you can so suck eggs. Yeah...I said it. :)

Petition: ASHA Needs to Actively Enforce its Code of Ethics

Please visit the link below to add read the petition to the ASHA (American Speech-Language-Hearing Association)...and then consider signing the petition. The ASHA has its own code of ethics regarding its members advertising "cures" for stuttering/stammering, yet they do not always enforce them. Currently, many ASHA members violate the code of ethics by making false/misleading claims regarding certain treatments and "cures". It is not simply an issue of "free speech". The FDA actively enforces the law regarding food and drug manufacturers making false or misleading claims...and so should the ASHA with regard to their own code of ethics and their Members.

By allowing these unsavory companies and individuals to thrive, the affliction of stuttering is mis-characterized, individuals are misled into thinking there is a "quick fix" for stuttering and the stutterers themselves are enticed to part with their money, only to be left feeling as if they failed when the "cure" didn't work for them. If you, as an individual business owner, marketed a "pill" or supplement that you claim can cure diabetes, you would quickly face the wrath of the Food and Drug Administration. And rightly so. Consumers need to be protected from individuals peddling "snake oils" to cure or treat debilitating medical, psychological or physiological conditions.

Some might regard this issue as merely one of "buyer beware", but this is a terribly careless position to take, in my opinion, because it entirely ignores the ASHA code of ethics, firstly; secondly, society (and the FDA) does not tolerate similar standards with regard to food or drug manufacturers who make curative claims. We need to stand together as a community to send a message to the ASHA. Please consider standing together with me by clicking the link below, reading and then signing the petition.

ASHA Needs to Actively Enforce its Code of Ethics

It's Frustrating!

I was at a friend's house yesterday, a very talented Animal Communicator/Psychic and this is a person I see on a regular basis each week. We are very good friends and share books, life stories, give each other advice, etc. Yet, yesterday at her house, I struggled horribly with being fluent. I also work with this lady and rarely do I stutter in my professional setting. Suddenly, however, for some mysterious reason, I couldn't say five words in a row without a major block...and my usual tricks to avoid stuttering all seemed to fail.

Maybe it was the unfamiliar setting? I have never been to visit her and her husband at their house before, so maybe that put me on edge a little. Who knows? She knows that I am a stutterer and reacts wonderfully to it, never trying to complete my sentences or even mentioning the stutter at all. Still, I felt like a huge idiot.

No matter how many times you tell yourself that stuttering doesn't determine your intelligence and shouldn't affect your value or how you feel about yourself, when days or incidents arise like this, I am virtually unable to convince myself that I don't appear to be a stuttering, stammering, dysfluent imbecile.

I hate days like that.

Sticks and Stones...Hurt Like Hell, Damn It!

As a young child, I wasn't the most brawny of kids. In fact, I was downright scrawny and wimpy. I was born 2 1/2 months early, weighed only a few small pounds and never really caught up. Because of my pint size, I was often the target of bullies. When I was in middle school, around 6-8th grade in the United States, I had the stature and build of a kid of no more than 9 or 10...even though I was 12-13 years of age. In the locker room after gym, all the kids stood at least a head or so above me.

Because of my small size, I wasn't too adept at physical confrontation. Redeeming myself and my good name through the use of "fisticuffs" wasn't my forte...never was and never will be. In my entire childhood, I was probably only engaged in two fights ever; one was with my brother and the other was with a kid in the 6th grade who wiped the school yard with my face.

While I wasn't adept at physical confrontation, I did learn early on that I could defend myself pretty well with my words. Despite my stutter, when I would become angry, I could give someone a hefty tongue lashing, so much so that I had a reputation for being fairly skilled at verbal put-downs and insults. It was my sole effective weapon, though not effective if the target of my verbal rampage decided to take things a step further. Then I would be at a decided disadvantage once again.

My verbal skill, while also somewhat of an advantage at choice times in my dealings with schoolyard peers, was also my biggest source of trouble at home. My mother was a strict disciplinarian and demanded respect and absolutely forbad "talking back" or "giving sass" to adults. But, I was unable to control my mouth, even with my parents, should we disagree over some thing or some issue. I would argue an issue, even if I was in the wrong, to the point of distraction and was a constant source of annoyance to my mom who, on more than one occasion, stated categorically that if given the chance, I would argue with Jesus Christ himself. But, that's just silly. Jesus is a Democrat. Why would I argue with Him?

I guess I am posting this because I find it somewhat ironic that I was gifted with a sharp tongue, but also with a bad stutter as a kid. As I said in an earlier entry, I also love sharp-witted comedy and would have loved to have been a stand-up comic...but for my annoying stutter. (And assuming I'm funny. My son says that I'm funny, but also says that looks aren't everything.)

Language is very important to me. I guess that's why I developed such a love for the written word. I can't speak it as eloquently as I write it...and the advantage of writing it is that it gives you time to carefully hone what you intend to say before you unleash it on the unwitting reader. I participate in online debate, have been frequenting the same debate forum for over a decade now. I am pretty damn good at it, but I think that's because I can think before I write and I always sound more eloquent than if I had to speak aloud what I want to say.

Is any of this your experience as well? As a stutterer, what dreams did you pass on because of the limitations of your speech, if any?

Another Money-Grubbing SCAM ARTIST

Meet "Orlene Robinson"...she was kind enough to leave a very encouraging comment on my "advertising my stutter" blog entry and then go about his merry way.

Wait, no she didn't!! She also left a link to "her" e-Book which promises, for the low, low price of just $39.99 ($17 if I ACT NOW!) to offer tips that will help you or your child find "tried and true" tips for overcoming his or her stammer! Check it out!

http://stutteringtips.com/

I love how these scammers offer a product that, by the picture, appears to be a huge, fancy looking textbook of some kind, but then turns out to be an internet e-book download. Why can't I have the book below that is pictured on the site?

I want this lovely, nice big green textbook! Why can't I have it? Hmm. Probably because it doesn't exist. If you click on the profile page of Orlene Robinson, you see she is a lovely woman who lives in Jamaica, loves reading the Bible, but, oddly, there isn't one piece of information, not one link to any blogs or websites that offer any information at all about stammering/stuttering. Why would that be? Look for yourself:

http://www.blogger.com/profile/04578448236449972616


I have a theory. If you find information that purports to help you with anything...on a website that forces you to scroll down endlessly while you read paragraph after paragraph of testimonials and unfounded scientific or medical claims...all while giving you NO INFORMATION at all about who is peddling the product or who is behind it...it's probably 100% garbage.

So, congratulations, Orlene...you are my newest SCAM ARTIST of the Day! How proud your parents must be.

Upward Fluency Trend

I'm experiencing an upward trend in fluency at work...and I'm enjoying it while it lasts. In the evenings, I usually avoid putting the kids on the phone with their parents because it requires calling the parents, identifying myself and then telling them they have a call from their kid. You'll remember not too long ago, I was posting on being on a downward trend and was avoiding the phone like the plague.

Last evening, I handled all the calls and only experienced a few difficult moments. And those were very minor and I would bet my left arm that the parent didn't even notice. During these times of fluency, I get a little taste of what it would be like to be completely fluent and it's really a liberating experience and a very refreshing change from the usual. It's easy to be tempted to think it will last...but I will try not to think about that right now. For however long it will last, I will just enjoy it.

Shut Up, Already!

I hope I don't get hate for this entry...but have any of you stutterers noticed many non-stuttering people who say so much but have so little to say? There is this lady at work, she is a new nurse on the unit and she is "shadowing" our supervisor nurse until she learns the ropes...and this woman, I swear, never shuts up. Every single little detail in her life is a long-winded anecdote to share with anyone who will listen.

Almost every time I found myself in the nurse's station, this woman was boring everyone with some goofy story about her kids or her husband or about her Border Collie or about her horses or about the last hospital she worked in...all sorts of stories that, by all appearances from those listening, nobody wanted to hear. I want to scream at her, "Lady, nobody cares that your husband has a hammer toe or that your horse responds to your emotions or that your toddler son is the next Einstein! Shut up, already!" Let's face it: most of our lives are boring to other people and unless some monumental event takes place or you can contribute to some conversation already taking place where your story might add something to the discussion...can't you please save your insufferable daily anecdotes for a blog?

I rarely talk at work unless I'm consulting with another counselor about the next group session or talking about what's next on the schedule. Oh, we exchange funny stories about the unit when we all sit down for a break or at the end of the day when we are doing reports or other paperwork. We might even update others on our lives, things that others already know. But, for the most part, probably because of my stutter, I don't bore people with my life story. Perhaps if I didn't have this stutter, I would...who knows? Pondering this...perhaps, then, having a stutter is somewhat of a blessing to others?

I am reminded of a classic scene from the John Hughes film, "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles".  The relevant portion comes at about 52 seconds.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q05p-5TWcj8

You May Know Mark...

A few years ago, I happened upon a segment of Oprah Winfrey that immediately caught my attention. The reason it caught my attention was that it was about stuttering. I don't watch Oprah on a regular basis. Ordinarily, because I am a stutterer myself, I find it difficult to watch television programs about stuttering and I'll avoid them at all cost. It's like a big mirror being erected before me and the last thing I usually want to do is to see and hear what I look and sound like when I stutter.

This segment was different, however. It was about the famed SpeechEasy device. If you aren't aware of this device, it's a tiny piece of expensive ($4000+) hardware that the adherent wears much like a hearing aid. It feeds auditory feedback to the listener in such a way as to "trick" the adherent into thinking that he is speaking in unison with another person. This act, like the device, usually produces instant fluency in stutterers. And for Mark, the focus of this Oprah segment, that is almost exactly what happened.

I could not find the Oprah Segment, but Mark was also featured on Good Morning America in 2002...same year. You can see the segment for yourself right here. Have some tissues handy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuO3DbnQjxE

The segment touched me very deeply...but it also sparked my imagination. My stutter isn't as severe as Mark's, but I still wanted the device terribly. After years of struggling through failed speech therapy, a childhood filled with taunts and bullies and daily struggles even to this day, finally here was a device that appeared to promise instant fluency. Is there a stutterer alive who wouldn't want this?

To my dismay, I learned that just the consultation visit was over $300. The device itself costs upwards of $4000. And it's not covered by insurance. That was far out of my budget constraints. I blogged about it some time later and some of my readers offered to take up a collection and donate so that I could afford it. Now I am glad I never took them up on that offer.

Like many professionals and researchers who have decades of experience with stuttering suspected, it seems the device is only a temporary cure. For many, like Mark, the effects of the device wear off pretty quickly. And many, like Mark, are left disillusioned, embarrassed, ashamed and they often blame themselves for the failure.

Today, from a link on a stuttering website, I found that Mark has a blog of his own. I am linking to his post about the SpeechEasy device, but you can navigate from that page to his current posts. I'm glad to hear and read that Mark is doing well, has overcome the disappointment and self-loathing he felt when the device failed him and he has gone on to finish his education, get married and is living a happy and productive life. His blog should be advertised more so people can approach devices like the SpeechEasy fully informed and so those who, like Mark, were failed by the device, can be assured that they aren't alone and they do not have to live a life, laboring under feelings of failure and disappointment. Good for you, Mark, and thank you for sharing your story.

Low Birth Weight?

I was reading an older post on The Stuttering Brain Blog this morning about a study that showed there was a correlation between low-birth rate and stuttering...unless I read it wrong, the study shows strong evidence that low birth weight can result in a 2-3 times greater risk for stuttering. Tom summarizes one point here:

"There is now clear empirical evidence that children in the lowest ranges of birth weight are twice to three times more likely to develop stuttering as compared to their normal-weight counterparts."

This is an interesting find for me because I was born 2.5 months premature and weighed less than three pounds at birth. Could that have increased my risk factor for stuttering? According to this study...yes. I was told that I began stuttering at around the age of three and that it appeared after I was taken from my mother and was sent to live with my grandmother. I was told I was so traumatized that I stopped talking altogether for about a month and then when I began talking again during therapy with a child psychologist, I had a severe stutter. Over the years, I have read that some people stutter because of a traumatic event. Sometimes people get into a car wreck and survive with a stutter. Because of those stories, I always just assumed the traumatic childhood event was the cause of my stutter.

This new study doesn't change my mind about that. The study just makes me believe that because of my low birth weight, perhaps I was already predisposed to stutter and the traumatic event just triggered it. I'm not a PhD like Tom, so I can't speak intelligently about such things. But, it's one idea.

Texting as an Alternative?

**First, let me thank my devoted readers, some of who have emailed me to encourage me to update my blog. Thank you. I'm sorry for the absence.**

Some months back, my son and I had a conversation about why I don't call him as much as he thinks I should. It's true that I hadn't called him much, but in my favor, I text him all the time. At least once a day to ask him how he is or to just say I love him or some other brief message. In his favor, we hadn't had a meaningful conversation in a while and I guess he was feeling that absence. I told him that I just wasn't comfortable talking much on the phone because it tires me out greatly and I avoid it as much as possible. The problem was, I was avoiding it to the point that it was affecting my relationship with him.

Sure, I have to suffer a little when I call him. I struggle with blocks and hesitations...and usually by the end of the conversation, I'm worn out mentally. But, is that a worth price to pay to maintain my close relationship with my son? Of course, it is. There is a part of me that believes that he doesn't understand just how taxing it is for me to undertake a phone conversation...but will his understanding change the fact that fewer phone conversations will harm our relationship? And if not...is it a good point? Probably not.

So, though I raised more than a few justifications for my lack of calling (or answering), at the end of the conversation, I had to admit that he was right. And that it was probably a good idea to just bite the bullet and call more often, even if it was difficult for me to do so.

Having said all of that, I must admit that, when my phone does ring and I see that it's him (or anyone)...I heave a big sigh and wish I hadn't heard it or that my phone was accidentally left in my car...but then I answer it anyway and, as usual, I struggle with fluency, become frustrated with the blocks and hesitations and wind up thinking at the end of the conversation that I surely must have come across as a stuttering, dysfluent asshole. I have a sneaky suspicion that it is not the way that I actually come across to those I speak to...but reality doesn't usually change how one feels, does it?

I still have bouts of self pity when I think about all of the people who use their phone all day long and enjoy lengthy conversations with loved ones and friends and wholly take for granted the ease with which they do all of this. But then I ultimately am pestered by my inner voice that scolds me, reminding me that I do not corner the market in pain and suffering and that millions of people struggle every day with all sorts of things, many of which are harder than what I have to go through. Blind people. Those suffering with missing limbs or barely-working limbs...people who are deaf...people who can't walk...people with Parkinson's Disease, Multiple Sclerosis...and many, many more.

In retrospect, I have to admit to myself that my struggle is minor when compared to so many others. And for that, I am grateful.

Incidentally, my son was recently accepted to Georgetown University with a full, four-year scholarship. I can't complain too much, I suppose. :)

Is it a Disability?

I suppose some would say that it is. It does prevent me from doing certain things that regular folks can do without really thinking about it: talking on the phone...ordering fast food comfortably...being a stand-up comic. 

Okay, forget the last one, but it was a dream of mine at one time. Not saying I necessarily have the talent for it, but, even if I did, I wouldn't be able to pursue it. I have had a few people say, "Yeah, you could. Just be a stuttering comedian." That might work...if I was interested in making stuttering jokes the center of my life. I do not.

Comedians I admire the most are those who are eloquent and who can deliver a comedic punch line right on time. Comedians like George Carlin, Ellen Degeneres, Steven Wright, Bill Maher. None of them would be able to perform their comedy if they had a persistent developmental stutter.

In my current profession, I counsel teenagers and regularly lead group psychoeducational groups and do one-on-one sessions with teens who have faced trauma. Stuttering does not hinder me in this profession because I can either use tricks to avoid blocks or I can just advertise that I stutter and usually this remedies any stress or problem stuttering might have caused otherwise.

However, I would've liked to have gone on to become a licensed clinician or therapist. Where I work, the therapists and clinicians all regularly hold family sessions with the teenagers who are in the hospital over the telephone. It's part of their job. I would not be able to perform this function...at least not with any degree of fluency...and such dysfluency would surely be a terrible distraction for the troubled teens and their ailing families looking to me for direction or answers. Just calling from the hospital to the family's home, introducing myself and getting the session started is...terrifying to even consider.

I still intend to go back to school this year to get my teaching certification. That's always been a dream of mine and stuttering will not stop me from doing that. Teaching children and standing up in front of groups of people and talking has never been a problem for me...so I suppose teaching is the way to go.

Do I view stuttering as a disability? In some ways. But not to the degree that I would ever expect to be placed on Disability and paid by the State or Government because I can't work. I certainly can. And so do millions of others.

Instead, I see stuttering as more of a personal obstacle. Something that I can overcome, to the extent that I can live with it, not let it hinder my life entirely and not let control me to the point that I avoid doing things that everybody else enjoys doing. My stuttering could never do that to me. I could only do that to myself. 

Advertising My Stutter?

I've recently had an email exchange with a blogger friend who emailed me an article about "coming out" as a stutterer. The conversation was borne from a comment left on my last post "Mean People" and it really struck me as a useful idea. If I am in a stressful situation, like ordering food at a restaurant or calling a business on the telephone...simply letting the other person know that I stutter will take off the edge and will make me less judgmental of myself and more free to simply communicate, knowing that the "cat is out of the bag" so to speak. I like that idea. And I will use it.


Having said, that, I will still continue to use my tricks to avoid blocks and to avoid stuttering. The link that was emailed to me suggests that this is the wrong approach. To wit:


Advertising Stuttering Article



"...some of the most unhappy and bitter stutterers I know are moderate to mild stutterers who believe that they can hide their disfluency. They add a great deal of stress to their lives and put even greater strain on their speech. No one is fooled; not their listener, and not themselves. As a result, every misstep is seen as a risk of exposure and fills the speaker with dread at being found out. They must focus all their energies on continuing the deception and the inevitable mistake is seen as a failure which reinforces their fear of stuttering. Brick by brick, bar by bar, syllable by syllable, they construct their own prison until they permit stuttering to take control of their lives..."


Although there is much truth to what is written above, I will still use my tricks to obtain the appearance of fluency. Why? Because it makes me feel better about my communications and it makes me, ultimately, feel better about myself. A mental health professional would probably tell me that I should work to instead feel better about my "true" self, that is, as a stutterer. But, again, I disagree. My true self is who I am as a person...and stuttering is just one aspect of who I am. It's not my sole identity and it's not something that I use to identify myself, if that makes sense. My identity revolves mostly around my values...not my physical or physiological characteristics. They might tell me that I should be "okay" with having a stutter. I understand that, but it's not so simple. I can accept the fact that I stutter...admit it...not deny it...but I can also work every day to avoid doing it, just as a cripple might try to avoid falling down if he struggles with walking. I just don't embrace this notion of NOT trying to hide the fact that I stutter. Should a cripple NOT try to walk? 


In my professional life and my personal life, I feel good about myself. I don't have an inferiority complex nor do I suffer from low self esteem. My stutter annoys me...that's the primary emotion that stuttering heaps upon me. It doesn't make me feel inferior or less than others or less valuable than others. It annoys me probably much the same way a leg that is 3 inches shorter than the other would annoy me. And if I had that affliction, I would do whatever I could to make both legs appear the same length and I would work hard to participate in activities that others without the affliction participate in and I would make every attempt to look just like they do when I participate.


Do you think my assessment is wrong? Should I stop trying to avoid stuttering by using tricks? If so, please explain why....while addressing what I've already said about why I do it. And, thank you for reading.

Mean People

In the past month, I've had two cashiers at convenience/gas stores mock my stuttering. Both, I am sure, were completely unaware of what they were doing...they likely thought I just stumbled on a word...I would hope they wouldn't have guessed I was a stutterer and thought it would be funny to make fun of me.

Still, even knowing they likely were unaware that I was a stutterer, it still stung a little. It confirms that, if nothing else, sometimes stuttering sounds funny to people. Which is one of the main reasons that I use my tricks to mask stuttering. There are stutterers who don't feel the need to hide it and they freely stutter. Good for them. I've had an email or two from some stutterers who encourage me to do so, saying that it's liberating. I disagree. For me, it would be anything but liberating.

Shifting gears a little here, I've had to change the way I answer the phone on the unit at the hospital, because the greeting that worked perfectly for over a year has suddenly, in the past 3 weeks or so, ceased to work. I was able, for over a years time, to say, "Southwest unit, this is Tony." Now...I answer with, "Hello, southwest." and that works.

On a positive note, I have developed a group for the kids where we talk about certain disabilities and it allows me to talk about my stutter and stuttering in general...to the kids. I have found that the topic really interests the kids and then they feel free to talk about their own hangups, whether it's a physical disability or just some issue they struggle with. Although I know that children can be cruel and judgmental to each other in peer settings, when you sit them down in a group to maturely discuss personal issues, you see that there is much more going on in their heads than childish antics. Sometimes they can surprise you with their wisdom and insight.

Spammers

Unfortunately, due to the many idiots who are spamming my comments with religious drivel and Viagra ads, I am forced to moderate all comments. I sincerely hope this will not discourage honest posters who want to participate in this blog. Your comments are valuable to me and I read them all.

Thank you!!
Tony
"Sign543"

"Stuttering Remedy" Website

Recently, I was contacted via email by a person named "John Richards". At first I thought he was writing as a fan of my blog, but the true intent of his email became clear pretty quickly. He wanted me to visit his website http://www.stutteringremedy.com/ where he is selling his "remedy" for stuttering which costs, you guessed it, $19.99.

He said that he cured his stutter by himself when he was 18 years old. He is now over 60 years old. But, he never thought much of his own cure until, amazingly, a little over a year ago, he "texted" his cure to a 16 year old who magically had his stutter cured in a matter of minutes! Aside from the "stuttering cure" part of all of this...in what context would a 60+ year old man have opportunity to text with a minor? Did he have the permission of this minor's parents to contact him? Doesn't "John" know of the dangers of internet predators?

As you read through the site (which is structured much the same as all the scam-cure websites) it becomes obvious that "John Richards" is educated, not in speech therapy or pathology, but rather in rhetoric, emotion and how to say a whole while really saying nothing at all.

Consider this grandiose portion:

"After years of torment and useless expensive therapeutic treatments, that 16yo cured himself of his chronic stuttering in a matter of minutes by applying my suggestion which comprised one only line of text. In those few minutes his life transformed from a dark abyss to one of usefulness, value and purpose."

Only one line of text transformed the kid's life from a dark abyss to one of usefulness, value and purpose? I suffer from stuttering and it has been difficult on my life in many ways and is certainly a constant source of frustration...but my life is *far* from being useless, without value or having a lack of purpose. On the contrary, my stutter allowed me to succeed *despite* the affliction and that has only added to my life and to the purpose that I feel my life has. If that child's life lacked purpose, usefulness and value, I suggest that stuttering is not his biggest affliction, or that stuttering is even the cause of those problems...and I think...no, I am *certain* one line of text could not have "cured" him.

I've known many stutterers in my life and none have said that stuttering renders their lives devoid of usefulness, value or purpose.

At the end of the website, you are, of course, asked to enter your credit card information and then are invited to read a two-part "hub" article on stuttering. They appear to be "informational" in nature, but he, of course, provides multiple links to his "Stuttering Remedy" website, inviting you to read more of his "elaborations" on stuttering.

Feel free to peruse his website yourself and even email him at stutteringremedy@gmail.com

Stephen King "Under The Dome"

I'm so excited, I just picked up my copy of King's latest masterpiece, "Under The Dome". This is his first big epic novel since...well, since I don't know when. At a whopping 1072 pages, it promises to be epic!

There are over 100 characters to get to know. King may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I've been a fan since I was a young teen, when I borrowed "Pet Sematary" from a friend. I stayed up almost all night that night reading that book. I immediately read everything King had ever written and, to this day, I always keep close tabs on King's website to find out when the next novel is coming out.

Check out the official website for the novel:

Under The Dome by Stephen King

Lucid Dreaming

I've had lucid dreams many times in the past, but this morning I had the most vivid. I was with my brother, living in some big house somewhere and we shared the house with some other people, most of whom were either Hispanic or Asian. I don't know why we were living there, in reality, my brother has a wife and 2 kids. A lot of random things went on in the dream, most of which are unremarkable and ordinary, but at some point when I was laying in bed in the dream, suddenly, I knew I was dreaming. I can't remember what event sparked it.

But, at the moment I realized I was dreaming, I jumped up out of bed and said, "I'm going to explore this place." At that moment, I suddenly had the sensation of being in a simulation-type program...as if I was moving my waking body to navigate the dream world. I was so aware of it, that I stood still, afraid that my focusing on it would make the real world come through. And as I turned my head to look around, the environment would sort of shimmer for a moment and I could barely make out my waking world bedroom. But, just for a second...then my dream environment would come back into focus. I felt like I had some control over this. At some point, I began to doubt that it was, in fact, a dream, so I decided to test the theory and somehow, I forced myself awake, but I was not standing up as I was in the dream...I was still in bed.

The strange thing about lucid dreaming for me is...even though I know I'm dreaming, I'm not at all aware of what my waking world looks like. Except for this latest dream. Weird. Also, almost all of my lucid dreaming occurs after I have awoken in the morning and then decide to go back to sleep. I have my most vivid dreams at those times.

Care to share your lucid dream experiences?

Stuttering Discrimination Question

A reader of this blog emailed me with a legal question, since I did attend law school. I will keep him anonymous since I don't have his permission to cite him, but basically what he asked was, if a bar threw him out because they mistook his stutter for being overly intoxicated, could he sue the bar? Here was my reply, leaving out the greetings and formalities and adding some corrections:

A law suit would likely be unsuccessful for a few reasons. First, most law suits are about damages...money lost. In this case, you lost nothing except your pride. Second, although you could sue based upon an act of discrimination against you, it would likely fail because, when assessing the actions of a person who has "wronged" you, courts mostly use the "reasonable person" standard. Here is how it works:

Courts ask..."Would the reasonable person in the shoes of the other guy have done what he did?" If not, you would likely win the law suit. If yes, the other guy wins.

Here is one argument for the defendant: To a reasonable bartender who deals with intoxicated individuals every day in his job, it's not unreasonable that he might confuse someone with a stutter...with someone who is having a hard time communicating because he is drunk. The two people might look very similar to him and, given his responsibility to stop serving alcohol to someone who is very drunk, it might be reasonable for him to take the chance that you are lying about your stutter...and deny you further service. How would you expect him to know the difference? What if you were lying and he continued to serve you and then you drove your car drunk and killed a child. Could the bartender be liable for failing to cut off your alcohol? Possibly. It's been done before.

So, his actions might be deemed reasonable by a jury, given that, 1) he can't be expected to tell the difference between a drunk man and a stutterer who has been drinking and 2) he has an affirmative duty to the public to act responsibly in his position as a bartender.

That's the argument the bartender's lawyer might make...and it's pretty persuasive.

An argument for the plaintiff might sound like this:

Would the reasonable bartender have simply denied you further service based upon how well you did or didn't speak alone? A prudent bartender would inquire further, perhaps questioning the friends that were with him, to see if the stutterer's claims were valid. Given how society usually treats stutterers, the teasing and taunting they face, and the many comedians who parody them in their acts, and the disdainful manner they are portrayed in films and on television, it's reasonable to assume that this bartender was likely repulsed by the stutter and simply decided to treat him unfairly, and then tried to justify it by saying that the man was too drunk. What other evidence existed that he was too drunk? Did the man stumble about? Was his speech slurred? If not, why was he denied service? This bartender did not act in a prudent fashion because he based his accusations of drunkenness on flimsy evidence and the result is that my client was needlessly ostracized and discriminated against for a disability.

That argument might persuade some, but I think the former argument is stronger.

What do you guys think?